The Wild and the Mild

My guess is that tortoises are one of the most adventurous animals on this planet. Which other animal have you seen that actually moves around with its own little tent?? Naay! I can't think of any others. It's almost like they were made to camp. I can almost visualize two tortoises having this conversation:

Tortoise 1: Hey remember the time we went to the field on the other side of the road for a camp. Boy, that was fun. We haven't done that in almost 50 years. We should do it sometime.
Tortoise 2: Yeah! That was fun, man! The trek was a little too long. It took us two years to get there. But, boy, was it fun!

Personally, I've never realized the sweet joys of camping and trekking. And that is surprising since I'm surrounded by outdoor enthusiasts. What do you think was going on in the mind of the man who came up with camping?

"Hey, mate. Let's go for a walk. Now that we've worked a thousand years to reach this point of civilization, let's just pretend we don't have it and go and spend some time in the wilderness."
"Nice idea mate! Let's take some beer along with us too."

What? Have you noticed that it's almost always a compromise. You want to face the wilderness while carrying you beer cans, mosquito repellent, hiking boots and new-age synthetic tent. These days people even have special camping spots with man made toilets. It's like "Yes! I love to spend time in a barren land but I want some tissue for my tushi too!" If that's your motivation, I'd say the best thing to do is just switch off the lights in your drawing room, switch on Discovery Channel and drink beer. If walking is your motivation then buy a treadmill and start walking on it as you hear the lions roar. That way whenever you get bored you can switch off the machine and start watching a re-run of Seinfeld.

Obviously, I'm missing something. Thousands of people can't be wrong. But will some kind ones please explain what it is that evades me???

Harry's Back!

At 11.45 in the night I suggested to Akaias that we go and get his pre-ordered copy of Harry Potter. Subs wanted to go in the morning but I wanted to check out the crowd. I find it fascinating to see the effort fans put in towards such events. Spiderman, LOTR, Star Wars and now Mr. Potter - I have checked out the fan-atics at each of these launches/premieres. As usual, lotsa fans had dressed up as characters from the book. Surprisingly, the boy wizard wasn't the favorite getup - Ms. Granger easily beat Mr.Potter in terms of wannabes. That made me wonder which of the above mentioned fans would be the most dangerous to mess with. I had posted earlier about our plans to bug the Star Wars geeks, and in retrospect, I feel it's they who can turn out to be the most lethal. True Spiderman fans turn up in body hugging tights that make their crotch area an easy target. All one needs is a kick in order to get a Parker fan parked. The hobbit lovers with their bare feet are easy targets too. All they would need is just one stamp before they get posted off. I was observing the Harry Potter fans tonight and they wouldn't be much of a threat either. For starters, they are the youngest of the lot and even if they turn vicious the worst they could probably do is to poke me with their sticks. But the saber wielding jedis and the occasional armored Darth Vader can prove to be quite the challenge. To sum it all up:

When a Spidey fan calls
Try and target his balls
When the hobbits come near
Just try to pull their ear
If they still stay upbeat
Then target their bare feet
For Pottermaniacs dressed in cloak
The best they can do is poke
But from the jedis do be wary
Because they can be quite scary

... Strike one, Shakespeare.

Hair Raising Stories

I just came back from the barber shop. When it comes to haircuts I believe in brevity - both in size and instructions. "Number 5 on top and number 3 on the sides please." That's all I say. However, we all know that a barber's shop is a place for discourse - it's almost like the modern day equivalent of ancient Greece's philosophers meet where every topic ranging from Polly to Politics is discussed. However, this is the third time I noticed something and it seems too good to be a sheer coincidence - just before finishing my hair cut the barber tells me a slightly emotional story and I get moved and tip him a lil more than I normally would. Like today. We were both quiet till the last few minutes of my hair cut and then he said, "No work for yoo?" "I'm a student," I replied. "Yooo stoodents very cool. I work ten hours every day, seven days every week to earn bread and butter." That's it - I was moved. I recalled a similar story in the same shop from one of my earlier trims where a lady told me that her son studied "Compooter" and is now working in the shop "beecoz Compoooters there eeees no job". Needless to say, the story moved me an scared me simultaneously and I also tipped her well to keep a possible recruiter pleased

P.S. I don't know if things are similar in the highly protected ladies beauty salons. Men are are a strict no no in those places. Though I have to confess that I managed to enter one of those places when I was young. I remember my mother telling the lady "He doesn't understand anything." Ahaa! Ignorance was sooo much fun.


Free will (shipping and handling extra)


The girl next to me in the counter looked pretty agitated. "I don't care what you meant. All I know is that I was sitting alone and studying for my finals and my boy friend was out with some other girl partying," she spurted into the cell phone in a semi-weepy tone. I couldn't hear what the boy friend said but there was a brief period of silence and then the girl spoke again. "I simply don't care. DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE!" ... and a post was born.

The classic "DO WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE!". Almost legendary. One of the biggest weapons in an angry dame's armory. What the line actually means is "YOU BETTER DO WHAT 'I FEEL LIKE' BUT I WONT TELL THAT BECAUSE THEN YOU'LL SAY THAT I'M BOSSY. INSTEAD I'LL EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAIL YOU AND MAKE YOU FEEL TERRIBLY GUILTY FOR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO DO SO THAT ULTIMATELY YOU DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO."

Yes! rarely has the true meaning of a sentence been so different from its original form. Just ask yourself, have you ever heard this conversation take place:

Boy: Hey do you mind if I go out with the guys for a drink?
Girl: Not at all (with a huge glee). You should do what you feel like. After all that's what a true relationship is, right? Actually you know what, you should go out with the guys every week.

Naaay! That doesn't happen. It's more like:

Boy: Hey do you mind if I go out with the guys for a drink?
Girl: Do what you feel like (and a classic sulk). But remember that when Katie wanted me to go shopping with her last week, I didn't. Just because I didn't want to leave YOU alone. So do whatever you feel like doing. After all it's your (said with a huge stress on the word) choice.

As I was thinking all this I heard the weepy tone turn to feigned coyness. "Ok then. Just don't tell me later that you did this for me. See you at nine then." She hung up the phone and smiled a contented smile. I knew that the guy did exactly what he felt like.

And finally...

I have a bad habit of unintentionally replacing a word with its homophone (like lose with loose, soul with sole etc.) while writing. So I asked an erudite friend of mine if there is a technical term for this and he thought for a while and said - "yes ... distraction".

...The Others...

Showered with Imagination
Type Casting, and others
Meme ANALysis

Awesome stuff man. You come up with a name for this series of articles yet?

No, not yet. However, I like to think of them as just me typing what I think at any one moment. Does anyone have any suggestions for a name? And also, Corky, why do you ask?

REspawn, on Jul 25 2005, 12:40 PM, said:

Snail.

http://no-url-left.blogspot.com/

Hey, is that your blog? Coz that has WAYYY more material that you can steal, not just the 4 articles you posted here and linked us to.

Sorry, simple google search busted your lame stupid ass. You aren't funny, at all, you never will be.

REspawn, on Jul 25 2005, 03:51 PM, said:

Also, by "you just typing", do you mean typing the Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V keys to copy and paste? That person already named them, btw.

You should all read that blog if you like this stuff btw, it has tons of funny articles.

psst, it's Ctrl+C to copy, Ctrl+V to paste.

what are you talking about. That's what Isaid.

Oh. Silly me.

Figures he copied them. I really ought to ban you for that, but there's nothing in the forums rules against plagiarism I don't think.


Actually, maybe we should vote on this. Especially since didn't you rip off someone graphic for a sig once? I didn't think it was a big deal then, but serial plagiarism? ...I have no respect for that.

gymkid dude, on Jul 25 2005, 06:35 PM, said:

Now now, I saw that Z there.

Do you continue to plagiarize in order to impress people you don't even know?

Your actions only make me think that you are a complete loser in real life and have absolutely nothing going on for you, so you pretend to be cool and talented on line by stealing other peoples words and images. You have failed. You are more pathetic now than you ever were.

I bet he didn't even read it all. I sure didn't.

Right. He hasn't confirmed nor denied anything yet, but we're already threatening banning, and he's being mocked by the rest of the forum. Way to be civil, guys. You could wait until he admits to being wrong before you castrate him. Just a thought.

Metal, on Jul 26 2005, 03:30 PM, said:

Agreed.
Hard enough getting people to read Git's old epics, never mind this drivel.

New rule: posts are to be 200 words or less.
If broken, the punishment is: you're a moron and you have no friends.

well fuck, there goes half the people in any spotlight thread.

P.S. at least git's old posts were interesting, these are just stupid.

tracidEdge, on Jul 26 2005, 11:44 PM, said:

We'll take your word for it.

Actually, on second thought... Gymkid, How bored do you have to be to go around checking to see if somebody plaugerized a simple article on a message bored? Come on, lighten up and get laid.

While we're on the subject, what happens when you as an individual get plagarized by other NE members?

Midnight Aurora, on Jul 26 2005, 11:47 PM, said:

Because it was so obvious that he didn't write it. Plus, it's my job to ruin other people's fun. Firefox has a little window in the top right for google, so it only took about 15 seconds to proove my guess correct.

Jellybones, on Jul 26 2005, 11:50 PM, said:

It calls for a stoning.

And the fucker even blocked everyone from viewing his profile to cover his ass.