It was a scorching august morning when I celebrated the late Queen Mother’s birthday with a trip to the latest Egyptian experience, a park intriguingly named egypTopia. The capitalised T held my attention for rather longer than might be expected, being the deep and solicitous chap I am. In my long career I’d already witnessed the dire Egyptia in Troy’s Ancient Resort, and, more recently, a sneak peek at the horrendous abomination that was Thebes at Tropico Horizons, so I was not in the mood for yet more sandy shenanigans. Nevertheless, my patriotic blood prompted me to drag myself, along with a couple of loyal comrades, to meet Coaster Ed, and maybe invite him to join us in a spot of tea.

Rolling up in our luxury…no, wait…galumphing up on our mangy camels, we arrived at the park gates. A few uncomfortable dismounts later we found ourselves standing on steaming tarmac, wishing we’d donned trainers instead of flip-flops earlier that morning. Hoping that the tarmac would lead to some softer sand, we passed some spindly trees, and bought our tickets from the curiously hedge-lined ticket booths. Already we were impressed by the intricate construction and thoughtful greenery, passing some sunken gardens and shady gazebos.

Our appointment with Coaster Ed was not until 5 o’clock that evening, presumably so that he didn’t miss his after-lunch siesta (“pig-out-followed-by-concussion” was the impression I was given by his aide). Turning left, we passed under an ornate gateway and through into the Sahara Retreat. Having wooed some of my companions away from the slightly shady-looking Monatoba Trading Complex, we entered the Temple of Horus. Inside were the twin simulator rides Airframe 360*, throwing us around until we felt considerably dizzier than we were before. Making a full circuit of the water pools we’d just seen, we were lured into a small, oily depot by the one and only Groove Champion. Pretending we knew who he was, we talked him into letting us take a ride on the park’s most hidden attraction, the whirlwind racer Sandstorm Rally.

Remembering such disappointments as the Streets of New York, and Troy’s terrible Hermod & The Myth of Balder, I was sceptical of the rides acclaim. Taking the back seat my golden rally car, I watched the rest of the group pile into the lime scale covered paint-stripped pile of shite next to me. After a quick countdown, the revs hit the maximum and I was jammed into the back of my seat. Zooming over a log bridge at over 50mph I admit I was a little…perturbed. Compared to my Volkswagen Beetle back in Birmingham, this ride was a little hair-raising. A high-G turn was followed by a leap over large bones, from what I animal I don’t want to know. Swerving to my right I was suddenly aware of my rivals in the race, crashing into the side of my beautiful car, buckling the Door Protection System© with their age-worn bonnet. Sighting a sun-bleached femur blocking the way I ducked behind the Shatter-Proof Windscreen©. Down a twisting path, the two cars criss-crossed, giving me the perfect opportunity to swear at my violent neighbours. A plunge into a darkened cave completely disorientated me, throwing me against the car’s leather interior…ok, I tell a lie…camel interior. Emerging onto a rocky ledge, I watched my cohorts leap over a tibia, before pursuing me down along a straight series of what I can only describe as the desert equivalent of speed bumps. Feeling thoroughly shaken up I prepared myself for a dive under the log bridges, and into the depot underground section. Finally, the car began to slow, as we ascended a spiral path past some statues. My car nearly swerved out of control on the final turn, throwing me dangerously near to some rocks, but it magically regained traction, slamming into my friend’s car just before the finish line. I’ll gloss over the result, but I’m sure Coaster Ed will have the golden car’s engine tuned for the park’s final opening. Safe to say, this ride was one of a kind, leaving me dazed but elated by the Rally Gift Shop.

After recovering in the Moiety Coffeehouse, our crew passed under Anubis’ Ceremonial Arch into the ominously named Stygian Wastes. Passing up a ride on the sick-making Psycho Spin, we opted instead for the much tamer…Terror Tower! Ok, clichéd name, but we were in for a spine tingling treat. Rising up through a ring of bones, we wondered if the ride had been such a good idea after all, but a quick 70mph drop later and we were glad to collect our dropped money from the safety net at the bottom. Scooting past some gloomy buildings we made the long and wearying climb to the Boathouse from which issues The River Styx. A classic rapids ride set on a hellish waterway, we span our way past Coaster Ed’s mom, trapped in a cell at the base of the Boathouse. She begged us to help her, but we got distracted by some waterfalls…I wonder whether she’s still there… A tunnel of bones built up to a 25mph plunge into a foamy pool, before a long and chilly ascension back to the start. Small and neat, it was one of the most atmospheric rides in the park.

Stumbling all the way back down from the Boathouse, we spied the haunting but beautiful lift hill of the Chariot of Lost Souls. Clad in bones, the track seemed to rise into the distance like a glowing pathway. The entrance to this woodie was concealed by the track itself, and the roar of trains passing over our heads as we passed caused some of my cohorts to jump into each others arms, and then quickly disengage themselves. The queue took us right next to a double drop, providing a perfect photo opportunity. With our lack of cameras, this didn’t take too long, and we were soon strapped into the articulated trains. A slow, winding trail led into a shimmering temple, and we were suddenly pushed back into our seats as the train dived underground, twisting upwards into the light of the lift hill. Admiring the bones surrounding us, we reached the top of the lift pretty quickly, not realising how high we had actually risen. A sharp turn led into the first drop, wrenching our insides in a 50mph plunge. A large camel hump provided plenty of airtime, before the train plummeted into a bone-encased tunnel. Rising again, the train turned, and we entered the twister section of the ride, skirting round a stagnant pond through a twisting tunnel and up into the lift hill’s bone structures! Following the first track round a couple more camel humps led into a second circuit of the pond, through another tunnel and straight into the final section, a rocky helix. With our sides well and truly pummelled, we were glad to leave the ride in one piece. I remembered with a shiver such crimes against humanity as Kentaur at Troy and the unpopular Loco Toro at Tropico Cove, and decided that the Chariot of Lost Souls was one of the best wooden coasters I’d ever seen.

We left the ride, and made our precarious way down some slippery steps, with one of my friends breaking his wrist in the process. Leaving him queuing for the Soulreaper, we visited the chilling Bone Castle, an incredible building made of bones and granite. The gloom was a little too much for some of my chums, so we made a speedy exit, passing through a gate announcing the entry to The Nile Delta.

Having been chased down the path by a man called ‘Andrew’ after stealing some Toasted Funnel Cakes from the nearest stall, we decided to have a go on one of the park’s Go Karts – GIZMO’s Electric Raceway. One of my chums made a comment about some “big ass pole”, but my mind was more focussed on the race ahead. Two laps of the twisting track left me feel quite high…in excitement level, and the Mushroom Grove was certainly an experience to cherish. On leaving the station we noticed the innovative architecture in this area. Bushy roofs and varied textures lent the buildings air of novelty, as well as impressing us with stacked walls and engineering braces.

Having experienced the joy of a good bit of sturdy wood, my companions were desperate to find a bigger high, something a little more exhilarating. Thus it was that we bypassed the Old Town Stage and the wonderfully placed log flume Chaos Waters, and instead took a Passport to Arabia…

Immediately my comrades made for the gleaming structure of the Sheikh, a single inversion original steel sprawled over the surrounding paths. A short queue led to the stripy station, and soon we were ascending the burnt red lift hill. A swooping drop led into a high speed helix, followed by a bumpy ride over the nearby pathway. A sharp turn sent us flying into a vertical loop, coloured brilliant white against the rocky background. Diving underground, an air-time filled camel hump threw us into the light momentarily, blinding a couple of my acquaintances in the process. The tunnel was followed by a hill passing through the loop, giving us a fantastic view of the food court of Arabia. A couple of meandering turns brought us to the double drop, creating a knot of track and support. A final twist directed us back into the station, and we left the ride rubbing our sides with glee.

We retraced our steps and headed towards the rusty looking area at the back of the park. A sign warned us of excavation, but we’d all remembered to bring our hard hats so that wasn’t a problem. It took a while for it to dawn on us that the rickety structure surrounding the West Nile was not digging machinery, but the warped design of Sobek. It was a launched 7 inversion sit-down weaving in and out of the quarries and mines, also visiting the island of the fearsome Beelzebub Demon. We entered the tomb where the station was housed and strapped ourselves into the front row of seats. Suddenly we were blasted out of the station at 30mph, and our ascent got faster the longer it went on! A small tunnel passed like a flash and before we knew it we were spinning through an elevated cobra roll. Another flash of a tunnel led into a humungous vertical loop, which in turn threw us into a scary dive loop. A drop seemed to leave us falling into the Excavation Rigging, but we were wrenched up into a high speed sea serpent. A brake run gave us a little respite before we dived underground and up over a sparkling lake. The helix guided us into another twisting drop, hurling our necks against the cars’ headrests. We rose up right in front of the frightening Beelzebub Demon, twisting through a barrel roll grasped by the devil’s claws. The train plunged into the cave of darkness before two more helixes steered us into the brake run and finally home. A petrifying ride left us more than satisfied with the archaeological experience, and one look at the 75mph tower-impulse ride Scarab Shuffle was enough to send us scurrying back to Mohammud's Bistro for a good rest and some lunch. After the tragedy that was Cronus at Troy’s Ancient Resort, I was glad to know that there were still rides out there that could scare the proverbial shit out of me.

Seeing that our shoes were suffering from the heat of the unending tarmac we decided to take a rid on Cypher’s Pyramid Plunge, a classic river ride with a single drop and well placed splash zone. Nothing more than a cool-down, the ride was pretty average and we left in search of more thrills. Luckily we could see the glimmering structure of the Delta Flyer on the other side of the path, and we hurried towards the metallic station. After a bit of confusion, we discovered that the ride was also named The Mariner, explaining why the queue line was aquatically themed. An unorthodox diagonal lift left us gazing back at the excavation site, reminding us of the dread we had experienced. However, that was all over now, and we rounded a corner with a much more pleasant ride in store. Without notice the track twisted and we were pitched into a flying first drop and turn. My friends were remembering the outrage they felt after surviving the atrocious Egyptian Flying Machine at Tropico Horizons and counting themselves lucky that this flyer was indeed a Dutchman worth riding. Whether they judged that against other previous experience I have no wish to know. The first section of the ride was an invigorating combination of flying turns, leading into a corkscrew section at speeds of over 40mph. The second section was a veritable Linguini-Bowl, with the vertical loop, dive loop and raven turn interwoven with helixes and inline twists. At one point I thought I would end up being prised from the restraints as a rigid corpse, but my cohorts assure me that I was only a little stiff at the extremes. A long tunnel left me feeling thoroughly disorientated, and when we emerged onto the brake run I felt deserving of a quick sit-down and rest.

I decided to sit opposite the inverting War Galley, waiting for my friends as they accompanied each other for the rhythmic ride and by the time they eventually came I was refreshed and ready to take a tour around the Nubian Wilds. My friends seemed a little confused, murmuring about princes and websites, and once I’d told them the history of the Nubian people they seemed a little disappointed. Nevertheless, we had a wonderful time gawping at Gorillas, eyeing Elephants, hollering at Hyenas and appreciating alliterations. We were soon kicked out by the angry Zookeeper and told to hurry to Cleopatra’s Palace – it was already 4:55pm and the owner was not to be kept waiting!

Dragging my pals away from the Palace Shopping Complex, their hands full of string vests and Boy George records, I found the way to Cleopatra’s Royal Revue. We met Coaster Ed’s aide backstage and were shown through to his personal chamber. To be honest, I don’t want to go into the detail of our meeting, but I got the feeling that the Park Owner had been somewhat reluctant to interrupt his pre-dinner nap for a group of ne’er-do-wells. However, he was hospitable enough, and, when his back was turned, we managed to steal a few of his peeled grapes. We weren’t too keen on hanging around only to get caught, so we hot-footed our way to the Secrets of Giza area, home to the park’s premier attraction…

To sate our sudden craving for vegetables, we stopped off at the Riverview Glen. We could already see the vivid blue supports and sickly green track of a coaster, but knew we had a long way yet before we reached its station. Escaping the sugary spiel of Joseppi the Merchant we made our way onto what would prove to be the park’s best water ride – Maniac Merchant Waterworks. We jumped into our unstable tub and set off on a crazy meander down the river. Rapids made our craft tip and turn, sadly tipping one of my friends over the side…we never did see him again… Anyway, the highlight of the ride was a dip under the sprawling Go-Karts ride Mystery Pyramid 500, followed by a marvellous view of the noxious-green coloured Batwing element spanning the waterway. The ride then sent us underground through dingy tunnels and back up into the station. It really was an excellent family ride and left us gagging for the green steel monster we’d seen from our tub.

Thinking of our drowned friend we took a quick tutorial at the Museum of Embalming before grabbing some sodas and running to the station of the sick coloured coaster. On our way I noticed some interesting scenery tricks, including mixed walls and a pyramid with the Go Karts going straight through it. Unfortunately, my remaining mates were not interested in such eccentricity and dragged me under the banners and into the queue of the Xtreme Luge Coaster, Pestilance. I tried to point out the spelling mistake but was drowned out by the roaring of a train passing right over our heads. Now thoroughly unnerved I strapped myself into the reclining seats, wondering what was in store. As soon as we were all strapped in, the train shot out of the station head-first up a blood tipped vertical spike at over 50mph. As it came to a halt at the top of the rise I got a perfect view of the whole coaster laid out in front of me, and didn’t like what I saw. Plunging down again, feet-first this time, we raced back through the station and up into a vertical loop. Suddenly, everything seemed to go wrong. The train slowed and came to a stop at the top of the loop, leaving us stationary, hanging like wet clothes from a washing line. The train started to inch backwards, gaining momentum and sending us speeding back through the station, this time getting an added boost from LIMs. Utterly paranoid of what was to happen next I closed my eyes as the train once again screamed through the station, this time completing the loop and sending us feet first along a twisted track, doubling back over water and path. Now I knew why they called it a Luge. We passed a pyramid and were hurled into a twisting corkscrew succeeded by a gut-wrenching dip and further inverting twists. I wondered whether this was as bad as the warped Phoenix at Troy, but decided that this ride was rather more enjoyable as well as being truly petrifying. Whirling through an enclosed series of camel humps we bowled through a dive loop and into another series of bumpy hills. A quick helix took us to a brake run – finally some breathing time – before we executed the batwing we had seen before. Probably the most intense element in the park, the forces were only magnified by the awkward luge position. Rising feet head-down up a second spike, we executed a final two turns and headed head first back into the station.

Truly exhausted by the pummelling we had received we were too dazed to take in the exquisite view of the sphinxes and pyramids. Our only concern was to stumble out of the Giza area and make our way to Egyptopia’s Only Bathroom. I let my friends go in first, became slightly troubled when I heard the sound of a struggle, but was glad to go in when they emerged, grins on their faces and hands in their pockets. Thankful for the opportunity to finally empty my bladder I escorted my friends back to the entrance to find our camels, only to discover they had escaped for a life in the wild. Disconsolate and aching, we trudged back to Cleopatra’s Palace in the hope of staying the night.

It looks like we might have to stay here for a while and endure Coaster Ed’s special form of hospitality. Sure, he might not be the best host around, but with one of the world’s best parks on my doorstep I’m not sure I mind.

-mantis