Steve

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- deletes paragraph

- edits LHC plugin joke

- extends apology to admins

Okay, I wanted to hedge a little at the jump for this one because daddy had espresso in his coffee this morning and I'm full speed ahead now, sailors. Hard to port! Step lively! Belay that (I don't know what these mean, but I think they're nautical terms of some kind)! I recently decided to rewatch the Pirates of the Caribbean film series and I'm not done but, phew, what a wild ride. Action! Drama! Romance! Rum! The first one is arguably a solid watch but they get progressively worse, huh? That Keira Knightly, though... Orlando Bloom, even. Can't wait to see where the gang heads next (just kidding, I know where they head because I said I'm rewatching them. Don't ask me why). Alas, I digress, but it's a pirate's life for Steve.

Anyway. Let's run aground and check out Cirque, first (pirate diss!). Dudes, first and foremost: cool theme. If someone said in the group chat to take La Reve and Riverview out for a date and convince them both to fuck only to birth this map then give that nerd a raise. Hopefully RWE is paying you all fair wages. I'm making like, $20/hr with the Jazzcats right now. Regardless of monetary compensation, it does not excuse this absolute dumpster fire of a park. Nah, it's not that bad. Great ideas nearly everywhere. Is the execution of said ideas there? Sometimes! Gotta say, what's up with these tents, guys? What's up with this enormous mansion, guys? What's up with this Target not accepting my Circle Rewards, guys (I need pull-ups for my daughter and I'll be squarely fucked if the Gardners will stop me from potty-training her). The coaster is solid and a cool idea to launch it out of a goddamn cannon, but also, whoever is building your coasters needs to chill or play the game at 0.5x speed because I watch your RMC layouts and feel like I need a nap afterwards. I do like how crunchy everything is though. Good texturing. Who did that skull cave behind the coaster? I want names, because if you tell me names then maybe you'll get DQ'd. Surely someone on your team is either silly or angry enough to do that. hydro said architecture school turns people into assholes so he sounds like my man for the job. All of that to say: the skull cave is good and whoever did it should have sprinkled more of that around, cause like, damn.

Lonely Hearts Club (why did you pick such a long name, J K, and why are you guys lonely. Half of you are married and have children. Is everything okay at home guys? Therapy works!)... where do I begin? A park shrouded not only in controversy but also shrouded in clouds! Or mist? What's the difference? Water density in air? What are the CTR's named again? Let me click on one of th-- and the game crashed. Listen, you lonely yet adorable nimrods: this park is good... GREAT, even. But can you take a page out of your own teammate nin's book and "chillax?" You have some incredible landscaping and architecture in this map with an excellent coaster. Let it speak for itself! Because good RCT fundamentals have much more to say than whatever gimmicks you're tossing out. And I don't say "gimmick" as a negative. H2H incites them and invites them, but it takes more guts to ignore them than to use them. Put that energy into something more worthwhile. Like what? Oh, dudes, I'm so glad you asked! How about some waterfalls that look like they were built after the pandemic. I was scouring this park thinking "this is so good but something just feels off..." and mother of all fucks, I was craving some Tolsimir waterfalls here. With that opening scene of the hanging bridges over the ravine having some more textured waterways would have been Keira Knightly-levels of hot (see, I brought it back!). Take solace in the fact, though, that this is some of the best landscaping I've seen and you should have this player be your floater going forward if only to landscape your parks, cause like, damn.

I ended both park reviews the same way for comedic effect. Did it land? Jokes, ho (that's like when you're up on a crow's nest of a ship and say "land, ho!" but I turned it around for comedy. I wasn't calling you, the reader, a "ho." But I mean, how you spend your sex life is your prerogative, so)! 

Man, I am already losing steam on these things. I just started a whole long, convoluted, and drawn out run-on sentence as an opening line and then I deleted it because it just wasn't cutting the mustard, guys (well, hey check it out: that was a long, convoluted, run-on sentence anyway!). Also, what even is that saying? "Cut the mustard?" Do the Europeans know what that is? Do the Americans? Is it strictly a Massachusetts thing? Listen to me, talking about condiments in a H2H review. I mean, I do enjoy mustard. Any horseradish fans out there? Dudes, so good. Give it a whirl if you haven't yet, like, for real. Anyway.

I usually don't do these after the builders have been revealed but guess what? I was lazy. Is this to say the Soda Jerks and Lonely Hearts Club don't deserve my time? Yes. Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. Just kidding, kinda. At least, I think one of you deserve my time. Which one? The one I voted for! Nah, just kidding again, kinda.

Anywhoozle, if it's any constellation, I thought Consolations was star-studded (how were those jokes? Was waiting this whole time to use them!). I think before we get into any of the park content, I have to go against my good-boy instincts and adult tendencies and pick on you guys (pos, I'm sorry!!): is this Plug-In Tycoon? Knock it off, weirdos. OK, I'm done now. Wait, one more: J K if you spent as much time working on plug-in's for parks as you did for making good RCT maybe you guys woulda won. Wait, hold on... oh. Whatever. Taylor Swift just came on so I might just stay down bad. The park has a good coaster, at least. Very swoopy and damn, if I don't love a good swoopy coaster (I do, in fact). If I had to be a total asshole and nitpick, though: I'd say the map is overly gray. If you made the brick structures gray because the rocks are gray and logic dictates that's where the stonework comes from then... fine, but, in a fantasy world like this I would have taken the artistic liberty of separating the colors. Especially when the roofs of the bigger structures are basically the same color of the waterways. It's like making a coaster in a forest and painting it green. What I'm saying is: give me some contrast, homies. Good/solid/nice (pick your adjective of choice! I love giving people options!) work, LHC.

All right, time for Hell. Don't love that I have to go to a map about Hell when my life is hell enough (just kidding, I love my life. Although I don't recommend toddlers if you value any privacy or personal time). Know what I do love though? Finally getting to rag on a Soda Jerks map! I started early in my other reviews but now the time has come! And the bonus of it being a Josh map too?! Score! No prisoners in this review, baby! Nah, just kidding. I'll be nice because last time I reviewed a park Scoop had any stake in he got really bummed about it and I'm turning over a new(ish) leaf! The seasons are changing and thus, so is Steve. Look at me, talking in the third person. Should I keep it up? Let's see: "Steve thought Josh worked on this park because Steve remembered Josh talking in the AI-chat about doing a Hell waterpark with lava slides and Steve thought Josh was being silly but knew Josh would totally do it because he's silly." That wasn't confusing at all. Anyways, this idea was a good one and ripe for H2H so nice going. Was it an assault on literally every sense? Yes. As much as I can't stand the AI custom music, I do admit this one was pretty funny. The whole map is classic Josh, which unfortunately has pulled a Steve marketing-wise turning himself into a one hit wonder of making everything into an Action Park, the same way I make everything a beige-ridden and tree-lined mess. Not a bad thing, but not a good thing either. Is it a neutral? Sure, let's go with that. Regardless of whatever bullshit I'm throwing your way, Jerkfaces, the park was hot (HA, oh man, had to go back and mention this one as a real zinger. Totally off-the-cuff, too, guys, like sincerely). I'm eagerly awaiting Heaven Action Park next, so there's that, at least.

Now that I've been absolutely obliterated by alex in a contest for what feels like the seventh time, you guys luck out: any and all motivation has been shifted from building to more reviews (just kidding, I am now out for blood and I have receipts of all fifty-fucking-something of you that wronged me)! It's all good though; this is what you nerds want anyway. I think? Am I already losing my touch with only two reviews into the contest? Wait. No, Steve. No rhetorical questions. You're better than that! Wait, have I gone from asking questions to myself to just outright talking to myself, now? Oh, I'm doing both. Well, someone has to read these things so it might as well be me.

It's been about, what, since Kumba went on the meds that he last captained, right? Man. I've be waiting for this moment: to rip his team a new one in one of my reviews (I'm not saying he built on this, so this isn't speculation all right, Liam?). I mean I'm sure I ripped him a new one on one of his parks that he did in H2H9 or something. What did Kumba build last time again (burn!)? Doesn't matter, let's talk about this Star Wars map because sweet tapdancing Christ this is so rad. Shane is right: the rockwork here is absolutely bananas. Instant nut. The gradient from grass to stone is just so good I'm going to straight-up skip the euphemism and kiss the chef myself directly on the mouth. I hope it's Xtreme. I mean, what. Anyway. It's just an incredible piece of world building - entirely convincing to where you can believe it's rooted in the Star Wars canon without needing much context like Galaxy's Edge in the Disney Parks. It's incredibly accessible, which I think was the right move as to not alienate (good one, Steve!) the viewers. Basically, I want to play this level as Cal in Fallen Order and force push a bunch of dudes off a cliff.

RWE's first swing as a captain with his Evergreen Gardeners from H2HBenign (that's a joke about H2H Classic being lesser than H2H9, try and keep up, gang). I can't begrudge RWE as a captain too much here; he's picked the dynamic duo of Xtreve in mock drafts far too often for me to dunk on him like my toddler dunks an Oreo in her milk, and she goes hard on the dunking. Milk on the fingies and everything. It's a mess. Am I alluding to RWE being a mess of a captain? It seems like it. The analogy kind of got away from me a little. My usual pithy indifference to not landing jokes usually makes up for it. Does it make up for this park from Team RWE? Eh, I mean, maybe! There's some things to like here: the overall atmosphere, some of the architecture, the kinetics of all the little scenes moving around, the jousting, etc. The music though! Such ambiance! It's like I'm at fucking King Richard's Faire and I'm here for it. What's up with the coaster, though, dudes? Is Fred on this team? Did Fred build on this? Genuinely asking because I can't remember. The little mine train cart ride was fucking cute though. And the royal cavalcade coming down from the castle was a nice touch, too. It feels like a great bit of world building in the same sense as your opponents, basically, it's just a shame it had to go up against some of the best landscaping we've seen in a fucking while. Also, speaking of landscaping: can people start using the right shade of aqua for waterfalls before I have a goddamn aneurism because I'd like to live to see the next round, please. OK? OK, fabulous.

How the fresh fuck has it been three more years already? Never thought I would see H2HX. Not that I thought I was going to die in the interim, but that's just a euphemism. A lot has happened in three years, though: I got a couple Spotlights, won a design totally on my own, and won a lot of awards. Oh, I also had a daughter. Have I grown as a person? Yeah, absolutely. Am I going to let it show here to annoy you guys even less? No, never. Will I continue the trend from last season of asking rhetorical questions in my reviews? It's evident. All the makings of a classic Steve Review (I never did get that trademark finalized, mother of all fucks)! I can't wait to annoy the shit out of Scoop when I rip his park a new one.

But this review isn't about Scoop or his stupid team name (damn, I'm already doing it sorry Scoop!), it's about Liam and his stupid team name. What even is a Dambuster? Hang on.

*googles*

Oh, it's a World War II thing? In this political climate, Liam? Are you trying to get me to italicize things? I mean, fine. You've done far weirder shit with far fewer repercussions. I'll let it slide for now until the next park you guys drop on your victims (see what I did there? Cause your parks are bombs... cause they suck. Or maybe they are  the bomb. Whatever, it's a stupid name).

Anywhoozle, onto [redacted]'s park! ...wait, what.

[redacted]'s park is--

Liam is trying to censor me! Guys. You seeing this shit? Good lord, this is next level. I mean, fuck, I love this layout and formatting of the contest pages to make it feel official but how are you doing this? Who's coding this shit? At any rate, [redacted]'s park feels like a [redacted] park all right. Did anyone even have a hand in this other than [redacted]? I mean, it's got [redacted]'s signature style of color and macro with that eye for detailing that's a lot but never too much. What's the word for that, again? Balanced? I wouldn't call [redacted] balanced, though; they're absolutely unhinged in my DM's. Endless feet pics and all for free, too. I don't mind though because [redacted]'s work all but makes up for it usually/unfortunately. It's interesting too because I don't recall [redacted]'s contest work being too glamourous. I mean a win here or there, sure, but that's pretty standard I guess. Has [redacted] ever beaten me before? Let me check my notes... probably. Am I treading dangerous ground with this joke? Liam is either going to think it's hilarious or find reasons to DQ me for revealing builders but I haven't done anything other than lead you this far into my review so really, the joke is on you: the reader.

Well, regardless, good work on the map [redacted]! I won't applaud the rest of the team because I don't like your name and your first pick is a pain in the butt usually. Good luck with that one, Liam, sheesh.

Oh! I almost forgot: consider this first of many Steve Reviews as my official FYC for awards season. I was not nominated for Best Reviewer last time and I'm only bringing it up now in case you guys forget. I'm not bitter about it at all, though. Not like I'm bringing it up for no reason what-so-ever. Just shooting the breeze, posix. I mean, what. Anyway.

instant megalophobia