General Chat / Jokes

i thought of doing something for all of you guys, each week i'll write up a joke for you, i just thought it up and i don't know how this will work out. I guess you can reply thoughts.. here's the first one


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is
very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he awakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've
got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very
rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh, no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you
want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring
that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his
penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor!
Amellican doctor always want to opulate. Make more money that way.
No need to opulate!" "Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "you no worry! Two, three days, it fall off."

hey, what if we have our own, con we post, too?

I don't know

hey, what if we have our own, con we post, too?

Go for it, champ.

Why ask when you could of just posted it......

He probably doesn't have one

Yeah i guess.

Heh, nice joke!

OK, so there six guys who want to become priests.

They've already done all of their tasks except one. This is the task to tell if they've been spiritually cleaned or not. All they had to do is stand naked with a bell tied around their penis and watch a stripper dance in front of them. If the bell on them jingled just a bit, they weren't clean.

So the stripper starts on the first guy: he's clean.

The second through the fifth guy are the same as the first.

But the last guy's bell is ringing so hard that it actually falls off. When he bends over to pick it up, all the other bells start ringing just as well.

OK, so there six guys who want to become priests.

They've already done all of their tasks except one.  This is the task to tell if they've been spiritually cleaned or not.  All they had to do is stand naked with a bell tied around their penis and watch a stripper dance in front of them.  If the bell on them jingled just a bit, they weren't clean.

So the stripper starts on the first guy: he's clean.

The second through the fifth guy are the same as the first.

But the last guy's bell is ringing so hard that it actually falls off.  When he bends over to pick it up, all the other bells start ringing just as well.

Lol. I like that one.

I just had to show this

http://story.news.ya...32712&e=4&ncid=

http://story.news.ya...32912&e=3&ncid=

http://story.news.ya...33012&e=2&ncid=


http://story.news.ya...s_umedia/latest

http://story.news.ya...33012&e=2&ncid=

just for plain ol' fun like em?

The 4th one is the best.

Can the jokes be really appallingly bad?

Like David Brent bad?


Yeh, I've always worked in paper... as a kid, my parents had a paper shop.


















Until it blew away.

Yeah, I'm not used to public squeaking, i sometimes pisspronounciate some of my worms...

That's by David Brent, but here's one of my own:

What do you call a monkey with eight legs?

Highlight from here...An Eight Legged Monkey!... to here to get the answer!

keeping the topic alive (this is one of those keep alive topics)



LONDON (Reuters) - From the Polish undertaker caught smuggling cigarettes in a hearse to a pair of one-legged Brazilian (news - web sites) prisoners skipping jail, the weird and wacky reigned supreme around the world in 2003.



Oddball tales abounded with Canadian prisoners being offered fruit-flavored condoms, Cambodians being urged to eat more dogs and China axing hemorrhoid TV ads during meal times.


Tales of love gone sour were plentiful. A Filipino housewife wreaked revenge on her hapless spouse by cutting off his penis while he slept, after she discovered text messages from another woman on his mobile phone.


Not to be outdone, an Italian pensioner beat her husband to death with a scrubbing brush because the couple had never had children.


Vasectomies caused some truly weird headlines.


In London, a vasectomy brought train services grinding to a halt. A trainee driver fell out of his cab after fainting over fellow workers' graphic descriptions of the operation.


A Brazilian man who went to a clinic to have an aching ear checked ended up having a vasectomy after mistakenly believing that the doctor had called his name.


In Tanzania, a man cut off his genitals in an attempt to win sympathy from friends and relatives after squandering the money they lent him on prostitutes and alcohol.


POSSUMS ON A POWER TRIP


The animal kingdom invariably raises a smile and 2003 was no exception.


Possums on a power trip in New Zealand sparked a blaze when they climbed a pole and short-circuited the electricity line.


Queen bees now have to slum it under new European Union (news - web sites) rules which only allow a retinue of 20 bees to accompany the queen on her voyage.


A French hunter was shot by his dog after he left a loaded shotgun in the boot of his car with two dogs, and one accidentally stepped on the trigger.


Cambodian canines had to run for cover after people in Phnom Penh were urged to eat more dogs as part of a crackdown on stray mutts wandering around the capital.


A German man who taught his dog Adolf to give a Hitler salute by raising his right paw was charged with violating Germany's anti-Nazi laws.


German humor was once thought to be as scarce as tasty British food, charming French waiters and punctual Italian trains, but a new generation of Germans have developed a taste for the offbeat.


A priest in Duisburg used an old washing machine to brew beer, a stumbling bank robber in Giessen forgot to cut open eye slits in his mask and 937 Germans set a mass yodeling record.





But no corner of the earth was off-limits for the bizarre.

Fijians apologized to descendants of a British missionary killed and eaten by their ancestors more than 130 years ago.

Moscow's Bolshoi Theater sacked an ice-cream-loving prima ballerina, saying she was too heavy and too tall for most of her dance partners to lift.

Six British schoolboys were rushed to hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug Viagra at lunchtime for a dare.

But at least they were spared the constant embarrassment of a British couple who were forced to change houses because of the shame caused by the name of their street -- Butt Hole Road.

Jim Tenor woke up one morning feeling better than ever. With pride in his heart and a skip in his step, he marched down stairs to breakfast. His wife took one look at him and said, "Honey, you look awful." "Really?" he said, "I feel fine..." He shrugged it off and went on to work. At work, his secretary said, "Oh Jim, you look awful! You ok?" "Yeah... I'm fine..." Then later, while he was working, his boss came in. "Now Tenor, I... damn man, you look awful!" "How!? I feel fine!" "Take early leave and go see a doctor." So Jim went to the hospital. Twenty minutes later, the doctor was in there. "Hmmm, you look awful." "I know! Everyone's been saying that! I feel great, though!" The doctor pulled out his big book of symptoms. "Hmmm... looks awful, feels great, looks awful, feels great... ah ha! Mr. Tenor, I have professionaly concluded that you are, in fact, a vagina!"





-Steel Falcon-

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"





-Steel Falcon-

I was hoping for more responds if these jokes were funny, and because i'm about two weeks late i'll post two up.

bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and
because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant
them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line,
the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten
people left, God notices the guy at the end of the line rolling on
the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
Laughing, the guy finally calms down long enough to say:
"Make 'em all ugly again."

and here's another one

HER DIARY
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so
we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing
to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love
you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore.
He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Yankees lost.


good ones huh?

2 blondes walk into a building

you would have thought one of them would have seen it