General Chat / Van Chelsea: An NE Movie

This first part probably won't be too funny, but it's just to set up the movie.

And I'm sorry, but I don't think I, or anyone for that matter, will be able to match up to Outlaw's brilliance. But if you get a couple of laughs, thank you. Oh yeah, and the photoshopped stuff is purposely stupid.

Anyway, on with the show.


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Van Chelsea

PART I
The setting: a dark, stormy night at Six Flags Magic Mountain. A lone figure stalks the premises, looking for his target. Out of the chilling night air comes a blood-curling scream, then a sudden thud that echoes throughout the park. The dark figure rushes toward the cry. He arrives at Flashback, only to find that he is too late. The lifeless body of a boy bound and tied to a coaster train is all that greets the hunter.

Van Chelsea: “My God, this poor child. He was bound and tortured by being forced to ride this demonic attraction repeatedly until the head trauma pulverized his brain!”

Van Chelsea checks the body for any source of identification. He finds only a solitary note: “I am rctfan1556. Please care if I die.”

Van Chelsea: “God speed, little boy. Be in peace. I guess.”

Crossing his chest, Van Chelsea abandons the boy to the sound of sinister laughter echoing from above. It comes from the direction of the Magic Mountain Sky Tower. From the distance, a hulking creature can be seen scaling the structure. Van Chelsea rushes off to pursue.



Upon arriving at the scene, it takes five minutes for Van Chelsea to reach the top of Samurai Summit. Another twenty minutes later, he reaches the top of the tower to confront his target, a hulking but deathly pale creature, rippling with muscles, but possessing a feminine face so repulsive it makes former WWE female wrestler Chyna look blonde knockout.



Van Chelsea: “Jenny Sparky. You have murdered for the last time. My orders are to take you with me—alive preferably, but I will not hesitate to use my powers if you make this difficult.”

Jenny Sparky: “Hahahahaha! I will PENETRATE you with my FORCE!”

Van Chelsea: “Fine, the hard way then.”

Jenny Sparky: “Yes! HARD and ROUGH!!!”

Immediately, Van Chelsea hurls two motorized spinning blades, but Sparky is too quick. Her speed surprises our hero has he takes Van Chelsea down with a quick tackle. Pinning Van Chelsea with her weight, Sparky then proceeds to do five pushups on top of our hero until he throws her out of the way.

Jenny Sparky: “Ow! My thrusts!”

Jenny pulls out a three foot baton, shaped conspicuously like a phallic object.

Jenny Sparky: “I’m gonna beat you harder than Tony Danza ever would!”

Launching herself at Van Chelsea, Sparky engages in a brutal beat down, bloodying up our hero with a punishing set of gut shots and random slaps until Van Chelsea once again counters with a low blow. Angered, Jenny picks up Van Chelsea and launches him off the tower, sailing in the direction of Superman: The Escape. Facing certain death, our hero quickly whips out his Batman grappling hook, which he got on eBay for $14.74, and fires it back toward the tower. Finding a spot, Van Chelsea stops his fall, rocketing back under the tower and, amazingly, all the way up the other side, sailing back into the tower and delivering a Liu Kang Flying Kick to Jenny Sparky, who flies out of the tower, falling toward the ground from the impact. Van Chelsea rushes toward the edge of the tower and watches his prey plummet.

At ground level, two security officers are snoozing when a sudden earth shaking thud awakes them from their slumber.

VC: “Holy shit! The Tower finally collapsed!!!”

Moonspoon: “No you dumbass. Some idiot just fell off the tower.”

VC: “Damn. Think we should check out the corpse?”

Moonspoon: “With the wages Six Flags pays us? Not likely. Go back to sleep, donkeyhole.”

VC: “All right.”

Crossing his chest, he gives last rights. Meanwhile, the mole-like workers of the park who live in the caves underneath the mountain emerge to discern the cause of the sudden disturbance. They crowd around the body, which has now assumed the form of a beautiful but battered young teenage girl. One of them, obviously a shift leader, looks up to see a lone silhouette at the top of the tower. It is clear that he killed this one.



The Guardian: “VAN CHELSEA!!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES!!! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN WITH MY SUPERINTELLIGENT DOLPHINS, MANIAC COWS, AND SOVIET SQUIDS IF IT TAKES ME ALL OF ETERNITY!!!!”

Pan up to the tower. Fade to black. Roll opening credits.

I work at SFMM? Awesome! If this was Fluxd, I would hunt down G-Rocks and murder him and cook steaks marinaded in his racist bigoted conservative christian rich-kid trust-fund SoCal blood.

PS-

"Please care if I die"....lmao

Good Job so far. The pictures were a nice touch. I even got a pretty cool job working at SFMM. Thanks for putting me in. Keep it up and I can't wait to see more.

Haha, that was great. Can't wait for the other parts.

Sorry Chris, but I LOVE the rctfan1556 line.

“I am rctfan1556. Please care if I die.”

Van Chelsea: “God speed, little boy. Be in peace. I guess.”

Hilarious NE movie Croky, looking forward to more.

cool opening..cant wait for the rest.

Er, yeah. Same rules as usual... one page of replies (that means 20) till the next part.

Thanks for the comments so far! I promise Part II will be funnier (well, I can't promise, but I feel it's funnier... what I have of it so far).

Also, I personally can't wait for the debut of the high and mighty Turtleman.

Heh.

Not bad, not much content mind.

Er, yeah.  Same rules as usual... one page of replies (that means 20) till the next part.

Thanks for the comments so far!  I promise Part II will be funnier (well, I can't promise, but I feel it's funnier... what I have of it so far).

Also, I personally can't wait for the debut of the high and mighty Turtleman.

20 replies? jeez...im not gonna be able to read this till after work then...damn you...damn you all..

Maybe I'll give in and start posting cheap replies to get it there faster. Yeah. Like this one.

Don't do that Corky, that's cheap.

Don't do that Corky, that's cheap.

well he did say it was a cheap reply..

but cork you could just change the rules..

No that would be cheap as well.

That was quite funny, although rather short.. I can't wait for the next part.

Yeah, I think it'll get better as I get more comfortable and as things get set up. I reread Outlaw's spoof and laughed my ass off again. In comparison, this is kinda flat.

Ah well... only a few more posts!

Fo' shizzle. Anyways, it sounded pretty good.
This is post #16

Good work! I want to write one of these soon.

BTW, what's the link and info to Chapel's hosting service again? I might need to use it.

Good start... some chuckle moments there, but I bet the bigger laughs come later... (btw, the photos are good; keep 'em)