General Chat / Van Chelsea: An NE Movie

Ed's real name is Andrew?  What kinda fucked up shit is that about?

Read his parkmaker page bio. His middle name is Ed.

so im raped and dead, yay

at least you're in it.

I'm going to get whacked, I can tell by the forshadowing.

so im raped and dead, yay

Actually, I wouldn't say dead...

Interesting...

Very nice job Corky, this is funny stuff. Glad to see Ed got his bike for better cinematography. You've done well capturing some of the different personalities around here. I like the pictures too, they're a nice touch.

PART IV
The setting: A desolate town in the middle of the night, a couple of hours from sunrise. Van Chelsea enters the gates and steps into the deserted streets. The air is deathly still. After about a block, he comes upon a tavern which, despite the time of night, seems very much alive. Curious, he ducks inside to take a look.



It is indeed rather lively, though there is an ominous air within. The tavern is filled with individuals, most dressed entirely in black. Candles are all that light the room, and it takes a while to adjust to the dim atmosphere. Once Van Chelsea does, however, he finds a bustling room of activity—plenty of opportunity to observe what the others are doing. In particular, he notices one person, practically a boy, scuttling around and inquiring other people about a certain club. It is this action, however, that alerts Van Chelsea to the true presence of this establishment.

Boy: “Hello sir, I’m starting this crazy new vampire club. It’s going to be the best thing ever…Universal Vampires New York, and I wanted you to be a part of it!”

Man: “Who the hell are you?”

Boy: “Well, I can’t tell you my real name because the hackers will get me, but you can call me SU182. I’m a really powerful vampire with my own company that creates technology to better the world for vampires. I also make about 100,000 kills a year.”

Man: “Oh is that true? You must be an amazing vampire prodigy!”

SU182: “Yup. I’m going to start a revolution. Seriously! THIS ISN’T A JOKE! Will you sign up and form the bestest vampire clique ever?”

Man: “Sure. My name’s Nic. Just tell me when you need me.”

SU182: “You’re going to have to send me all of your information, and I’ll add you to my list. But don’t tell me right here in the open. The hackers will steal it. Just send it by private courier.”

Nic: “Sure thing. So, who else do you have on your list so far?”

SU182: “I got some of the best names! The most famous vampires! There’s Steve, HevyDeVil, T-Bird, Silenced, I even got Slob to sign! And Count Dracula! And Vlad the Impaler! And Elizabeth Bathory! And Gilles de Rais!!”

Nic: “Oh my gosh! You must have been absolutely amazing to get them! This club is going to be the best ever! I cannot believe you got all these famous people who live all around the world to join your club just tonight!”

SU182: “Well, I’m a very evil vampire, so people respect me.”

Nic: “Indeed they do! Everywhere I go, I hear people talking about how mean, fearsome, and evil that—um, what’s your name again?”

SU182: “SU182.”

Nic: “Right. How evil that SU182 is! It’s an honor to finally meet the youngest but most powerful and legendary vampire in the history of the universe!”

SU182: “I know. You’re lucky I chose you. I only have a few spots left, but you’re lucky enough to make it. Just send me your information and it’ll be official. This is not a joke!”

Nic: “Oh, of course not. I would never think that. After all, you’re such an amazing and powerful vampire, how can you even spend time doing something as silly as joking?”

SU182: “Thank you. That’s what I’ve been saying all along. It’s cool that everyone agrees with me. Anyway, I got some more awesome people to recruit, so I’ll see you later.”

Nic: “Of course, of course. Have a good night, and may you not be hunted down by ten vampire hunters and run through on a spit within three seconds after screaming like a little girl!”

SU182: “Okay, thanks. Don’t worry, I won’t.”

The conversation has given Van Chelsea room for thought.

Van Chelsea: “I’m in a room surrounded by vampires. Even with my power and cunning, I cannot take them all at once. The wisest thing to do is to keep a low profile and learn more so I can be more prepared. Maybe I can quietly talk to the bartender. He seems like he may shed some information.”

Van Chelsea, lugging all of his equipment, moves over toward the bar. He makes it there without incident except for the bumping of a [patron by the corner.

Patron: “Hey! Watch it!”

Van Chelsea: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am.”

Patron: “You best well me!” *snaps fingers* “Nobody bumps Bouncing Betty and just leaves. You do that again and I’ll ram my 9 inch black leather stiletto heels up your anus and rip out your tongue with my black leather whip!!!”

Van Chelsea: “Okay. Sorry about that.”

Van Chelsea sits himself down at the counter.

Van Chelsea: “That was close. It’s a good thing she didn’t really yell. I still have my low profile.” *turns to the bartender* “Excuse me Mr., um, Style. Gimme a drink.”

Bartender: “That’s Sir to you, stranger.”

Van Chelsea: “Sir Style.”

Bartender: “Sir Francis Kanyon Style. And who the hell are you? I haven’t seen you before.”

Van Chelsea: “Well, actually, I’m just passing though…”

SFK Style: “A newbie, eh? HEY EVERYONE! LOOK AT THIS GUY! HE’S A NEWBIE HERE! LETS ALL MAKE FUN OF HIM!!!”

Voice 1: “Ah you suck!”

Voice 2: “You’re a moron!”

Voice 3: “Suck your own cock-a-doodle-doo-a-doodle-doo-a-doodle-doo!”

Voice 4: “Go back to Danimation!”

Van Chelsea: *to himself* “So much for a low profile.”

SFK Style: “So what the hell do you want, stupid noob? Bloody Mary? White Fang? How ‘bout regular gin? And try some of the pot pie. It’s ‘sink your teeth into’ good.”

Van Chelsea: “Funny you should say that…”

SFK Style: “What? You think I’m a vampire?” *narrows his eyes suspiciously* “What are ya, a vamp hunter?”

Van Chelsea: “Huh, oh, who, me? Oh no! No, no, no, I’m just an innocent guest passing through who wants to rest at a tavern until the morning.”

SFK Style: “Good. I can’t stand hunters. A while ago, some hunter named Guy Pym came in and slaughtered a whole bunch of vam—people cuz he was looking for us—I mean vampires. Bloody troll.”

Van Chelsea: “Hm… um, yeah… heh heh… that’s kinda rough. So, um, well, as long as I’m staying here for a bit, you think you can tell me who everyone is?”

SFK eyes him oddly before shrugging his suspicions off.

SFK Style: “Well, that guy over there is Steve. He’s a moron. The guy in the back with the Thomson? That’s Silenced. He’s kind of trigger happy, so don’t do anything to provoke him or he’ll pretend to shoot you.”

Van Chelsea: “Pretend?”

SFK Style: “Well, it’s a fake Thomson. He’s kinda poor… couldn’t afford a real one. Got it from the local Wal-Mart. Anyway, that guy over in the corner with the five hot chicks is T-Bird. He’s a ladies man, except all the chicks are sluts. They just like to rub themselves on him.”

Van Chelsea: “I’d like to rub—“

SFK Style: “And the black guy in the middle surrounded by TWENTY hot chicks is Hevy Devil. He’s a major player around here. Don’t mess with him if you want to live, he’ll pay ten thugs to kick your ass with toilet seats and then drown you in the local cesspool.”

Van Chelsea: “Cesspool, eh? Is that the swampy thing outside the gates?”

SFK Style: “That’s the one.”

Van Chelsea: “Ah. Passed by it and saw some guy trapped in it. He was saying ‘save Fat Kat please’ over and over again.”

SFK Style: “Yeah, well, we stuck him in the shitpile and he didn’t understand, so we just moved him outside the gates so he doesn’t annoy us by speaking.”

Van Chelsea: “So back to Devil… you think he’s got any connections with Slob?”

SFK’s eyes grow dark as his suspicions suddenly return.

SFK Style: “What the hell do you know about Slob anyway? Who told you that name?”

Van Chelsea: “Isn’t he a famous guy? Heh… I mean everyone knows his name, right?”

SFK Style: “Wrong, ass wipe. If you know his name, you’re either one of us, or you’ve dealt with OUR kind. You’re too damn tan to be one of us, which means you deal with our kind. And you’ve been asking a lot of questions since you’ve gotten here, punk.”

Van Chelsea: “Look man, I’m just a curious guy by nature. I don’t mean any har—”

SFK Style: “Look you little dildo. I don’t like newcomers. WE don’t like newcomers. Especially newcomers who ask!” *poke* “Too!” *poke* “Many!” *poke* “Questions!!!”

At this point the entire tavern has concentrated their attention at this intruder who has disturbed their good time by angering the bartender. Hevy Devil, T-Bird, and Silenced in particular have suddenly appeared by the front of the pack, just to the side of our hero. It seems his low profile has not only been blown, but his whole guise revealed. Van Chelsea discreetly eyes his bag in preparation of a fight.



Van Chelsea: “Look, I don’t want any trouble. Maybe I should just leave.”

SFK Style: “You’ve already gotten trouble, punk. And we’d hate for you to leave before we resolve your trouble for you.”

Van Chelsea: “I don’t like the way that sounded.”

SFK Style: “Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, cry to your mommy? Or maybe you’ll pull out a light saber and fight us with the Force. Hahahahaha!!!”

The moment of taunting laughter is all Van Chelsea needs to strike. Lunging towards his bag, he grabs to spinning blades and flings them at two vampires quick enough to react. Another moves in with a fist, but Van Chelsea takes care of him with a leg sweep followed by a quick stake to the heart. Grabbing a rapid-fire crossbow, VC takes out eight more leeches before running out of ammo.

Van Chelsea: “Fuck! I KNEW I shouldn’t have let Kumba go squirrel hunting with this!”

Heaving the weapon directly at another’s nose, our hero looks up just in time to see Steve swipe at him with a blade. A quick duck and an impaling with a silver cross and Steve is left sizzling on the floor. Yet, the bloodsuckers continue to come, and Van Chelsea finds himself backed into a corner.

SFK Style: “You little rat! NO ONE kills a vampire and lives! NO ONE! I’m gonna grind you up like a sack of rice and rip apart your wretched little corpse!”

There is no time to lose. In a moment of sudden inspiration, Van Chelsea reaches into his pocket and withdraws the key. Wasting no time smothering the green button, VC watches as the ever reliable Adix manifests itself behind the vampires and begin zapping. The rest turn around to see what’s causing the sudden disturbance in the back. Screams of vampires can be heard as they are zapped into oblivion by Adix’s powerful remote control.



Voice: “Holy shit, he’s got an Adix! Get down!!!”

More targets are vaporized. Out of the corner of his eye, Van Chelsea sees Silenced run up screaming.

Silenced: “You stupid thing! I’ll cap you good I will!!!”

Silenced aims the gun and pulls the trigger, preparing to unleash a flood of bullets, but when nothing happens, he remembers his Thompson is a fake.

Silenced: “Oh shit.”

His last words leave his lips as a laser sends him off into another dimension. Meanwhile, the leeches, moving to attack the Adix, have left Van Chelsea relatively unguarded. Seizing his opportunity, he impales two in the back before drop kicking a third. Spearing a fourth right in the chest, our hero follows with a double DDT to two more vampires before giving the seventh a Stone Cold Stunner.



Suddenly, hands from behind grab him behind and lift him up off the ground. The brutish, growling voice of the bartender rasps in his ear.

SFK Style: “I should have known it was you, VAN CHELSEA. No one would have such admirable survival skills AND an Adix 3000.”

With a flick of his wrists, SFK tosses Van Chelsea onto a pile of barrels, which shatter like a fixed stunt table beneath his weight.

SFK Style: “And really, you should have recognized me too. Are you really that idiotic as to not realize who I am?”

Van Chelsea studies his features before suddenly arriving at the obviously conclusion.

Van Chelsea: “Tom Wopat, the Six Flags King. How could I have failed to recognize you?”

SFK Style: “Cuz you possess the intellectual capability of a sea snail, you imbecile dog vomit of a slug! Now I’m gonna finish you off and make sure you NEVER bother my theme parks again!!!”

SFK readies his enormous fist for a killing blow to Van Chelsea’s face. He lifts his hand up to administer the crushing hit when suddenly, an arrow penetrates the palm. SFK rears back and howls in pain.

SFK Style: “What the hell??”

From the doorway stand two figures, a young, teenage girl, beautiful and dashing, and a slightly older man riveted with a look of anger and determination. Van Chelsea recognizes the girl immediately.

Van Chelsea: “Jess…”

SFK Style: “YOU TWO! Kill ‘em!!!”

The rest of the vampires rush in, but meet instant death as the two unleash their own rapid fire crossbows. The silver projects make quick waste of everything in their path, clearing enough room to allow Van Chelsea to escape.

Jess: “C’mon!!! Lets get out of here!!!”

Van Chelsea leaps up despite the pain in his ribs. Rushing though the parted pile of vampires, he reaches the door before turning back.

Van Chelsea: “My bag!”

Ducking under the clothesline of one vampire, he gives a low blow to another before rolling over to retrieve his equipment. He gives a kick square to the chin of yet another vampire before dashing through the door, bounding after Jess and Rage, who have already left. The bloodsuckers pursue them out onto the streets until our hero turns around, unveiling two titanium covered orbs. He hurls them onto the ground, and with a great belch, they explode upon collision, heaving up tons of smoke. When the ash clears, a thirtysomething year old couple stands blocking the vampires’ way.

T-Bird: “It’s just some guy and his wife!”

SFK Style: “Run ‘em through!!! Don’t let Van Chelsea and the others escape!!!”

The horde charges forward until the couple speak. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Terminator theme hits.



Man: *robotic voice* “I am the Danimator.”

The the music changes to Martha Stewart Living.

Woman: *gushy voice* “And I’m Alex! It’s so wonderful to be here!”

The horde comes to a complete stop.

T-Bird: “Holy shit! It’s Dan and Alex!!!”

Everyone: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”

With reckless abandon, the vampires run back into the tavern. Van Chelsea smiles, knowing his job is done here. He turns back around, and, lugging his supplies, follows Jess and Rage into the depths of the neighboring forest. Fade to black.

When this story ends, a new story needs to be started. Corky is just so good at this stuff and the pictures are classic. Especially the Danimator. Awesome, Corky.

Nice, nice.

woute. I'm in this one. Eh, thanks for putting me in, I appreciate it(great integration of tom wopat, aswell).

I've been meaning to say it, you've done a good job on this story so far.

I am so cool. Bless you.

This should be required High School reading. Brilliant.

I liked the picture of the zapping myself. Hope you did too Adix.

Great job! The pictures are wonderful. Keep it up!

This one's probably the funniest yet, the Danimator and Alex thing made me laugh out loud, as did numerous other things.

That was great. This is getting better and better.

Silenced aims the gun and pulls the trigger, preparing to unleash a flood of bullets, but when nothing happens, he remembers his Thompson is a fake.

Best line in the entire movie.

Awesome. I hope I get more than one line this time though.

My part sounds like something I'd do.


Good job, Corky.

I can't wait for part V to be posted...