General Chat / Van Chelsea: An NE Movie

This should be required High School reading. Brilliant.

As should about 1/2 this site that way everyone could understand this shit. Classic corky, classic. It's still more solid than Outlaws and it's comidy is close. Part II is still my favorite though.

I can't wait to see how this is going to continue. BTW is it just me or did Van Chelsea lose the mighty Adix 3000 back in the bar?



ride6

Yeah, he did, but I think the Danimator will hold the vamps back, at least for a while.

Yeah, he did, but I think the Danimator will hold the vamps back, at least for a while. 

then he gets the job for Spy Kids and leaves the website to the german sheep fuckers.

...Is it just me or did Van Chelsea lose the mighty Adix 3000 back in the bar?

He can always stop by my shop and pick up another one. I've got about 4 more in stock.

very funny, good stuff.

thanks for putting me in there atleast.
keep up the good work. oh by the way, i will get you with those sucide bombing cows, and mind controlling squids. someday....

Dan owns it up. As usual.

=|

I hate SU182. =|

Great reading Corkje.

I think someone should make a Van Chelsea park. Or something else of that nature...

SU182: The Ride

From a distance, it looks like a huge, towering teracoaster that's 400 feet tall and 7000 feet long, with 10 overbanked turns and 25 total seconds of airtime. The line leads toward the coaster, but what you finally actually get on is just a dingy carnival dark ride that lasts 10 seconds. The teracoaster cannot actually be accessed.

Post part V, dammit.

Yeah... it might come a bit later than normal cuz I'm just starting and was a bit out of ideas for this particular part. Part V will probably end up either being uneventful or random, since it serves as a filler.

Sorry. I'll get to it ASAP.

SU182: The Ride

From a distance, it looks like a huge, towering teracoaster that's 400 feet tall and 7000 feet long, with 10 overbanked turns and 25 total seconds of airtime.  The line leads toward the coaster, but what you finally actually get on is just a dingy carnival dark ride that lasts 10 seconds.  The teracoaster cannot actually be accessed.

No, I actually got the idea when you said Ed: the Ride.

PART V
The setting: a campfire in a clearing in the woods. Jess is nursing some of Van Chelsea’s wounds while Rage sits in a corner scratching himself with his leg.



Van Chelsea: “Owie! That bruise hurts!”

Jess: “Hold still. You’re lucky you didn’t get yourself killed!”

Van Chelsea: “Well, I guess I owe you one for coming to my rescue. It’s because you want me, huh?”

Jess: “What? Ew. My brother and I happened to be passing by, that’s all.”

Van Chelsea: “Oh.”

An awkward silence hangs in the air until Van Chelsea decides to change the subject.

Van Chelsea: “Well, I might as well tell you that I was sent here to protect you—”

Jess: “I don’t need anyone’s help. I can take care of myself just fine, and my brother as well.”

They both look over at Rage, who is now sniffing himself.

Van Chelsea: “He always like that?”

Jess: “No, he’s only been this way since he was bitten by a very large and hairy drooling dog last month. He’s been like this since the last full moon. I don’t know whatever is the matter with him!”

Van Chelsea: “Uh… huh… anyway, I’ve also been sent to vanquish the being known as slob.”

Jess suddenly freezes, tensing up in fear.

Jess: “You must not say that name. It is forbidden.”

Van Chelsea: “Why? It’s just a name. I don’t see why I can’t say sl—”

Jess: “Quiet! He can hear you. He has powers beyond the understanding of anyone here. Even his own kind does not comprehend the extend of his might. He is very, very powerful.”

Van Chelsea: “I’ve heard that before. They weren’t so powerful after they fell off a tower, or met my friend Mr. Knifey, or took a kick to the groin…”

Jess: “He cannot be killed. Or at least, no one has managed to do so in the five hundred years he has been terrorizing this area. My family has tried, but he has killed each and every one of us, and my brother and I are the only ones left.”

Jess looks away, reliving bad memories. A tear trickles down her pale face before she gathers herself.

Jess: “Anyway, you best be leaving, Van Chelsea. Though your reputation precedes you, even you cannot overcome this enemy. My brother and I will continue to fight until either he is dead, or we are.”

Van Chelsea: “You seem pretty fond of your brother. I guess you must really care about him.”

Jess: “Yes. He is very dear to me.”

Van Chelsea: “Dear, eh? You know, I saw this one video once with this brother and sister who loved each other. It was kind of hot…”

Jess: “Ew! You are disgusting! I can’t believe you said that!”

Van Chelsea: “What? I might not have been talking about the one with ince—”

Jess smacks him.

Jess: “You creep!”

Van Chelsea: “Could have been the one with beasti—” *slap* “Ow.”

Jess stomps away.

Van Chelsea: “Well, I just thought you might have wanted to know that Rage is showing all symptoms of being a… aw crap, she’s gone. Where did I go wrong?”

Out of nowhere, Moonspoon wanders into the clearing, holding G-Rock’s severed head.



Moonspoon: “You know, if you didn’t act like such a total lecherous ass, she might actually like you.”

Van Chelsea: “What the hell? What are you doing here? And what are you doing with Chris’s head???”

Moonspoon: “I found it.”

Van Chelsea’s eyes narrow with doubt.

Van Chelsea: “Where did you find it?”

Moonspoon: “On his neck…”

Our hero sighs.

Van Chelsea: “You’d best be returning that…”

Moonspoon: “Oh fine!”

Moonspoon pouts and walks away. After a few minutes of contemplation, Van Chelsea decides to approach Jess in an attempt at reconciliation. He finds Jess with her brother, who is on all fours panting as she tosses him some bits of food.

Jess: “Who’s a good boy? Catch! GOOD BOY!!!”

Van Chelsea: “Ahem… um… sorry to interrupt.”

Jess turns around with a cutting glare. It is obvious that the mere sight of Van Chelsea is repugnant.

Van Chelsea: “Look, I’m really, really, really sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I was stupid, immature, and just a plain jerk. I don’t normally act that way, and I’m ashamed that I did so in front of you.”

Jess’s glare changes to a look of questioning doubt.

Van Chelsea: “It’s just that… you are so absolutely and stunningly beautiful that I did not know what to do. Your radiance reduced me to a blubbering, hormonal teenage boy. It’s not an excuse, because I was still wrong. But I hope we can get on a better track?”

Flattery can heal any girl’s wounds, one would suppose, and so Van Chelsea’s sweet words eliminate any ire from Jess’s mind. She smiles and motions for him to join her.

Jess: “Okay, I’ll forgive you. But promise me no more crude jokes.”

Van Chelsea: “I promise.”

Jess: “But feel free to constantly tell me how beautiful I am. I know I’m totally hot, but it’s always good to hear other people say so.”

Van Chelsea: “Indeed, you’re flamingly hot.”

Jess blushes and giggles.

Jess: “Teehee! Oh stop it!”

Van Chelsea: “Okay… well, tell me about sl—I mean about Him. I know it’s hard, but I need to know as much as I can about him if I am to defeat him. And don’t bother trying to dissuade me. I’m staying here whether you like it or not.”

For a moment, Jess is unsure of what to do. Talking about slob will bring back painful memories, memories she has sworn to keep locked up inside of her forever, but Van Chelsea’s resolute face tells her that this one is different. Perhaps he really can defeat slob.

Jess: “Well… okay. This may take a while, though. The history surrounding my family and—“

Jess notices Rage hopping up and down, sniffing at her rear. Her reaction has a hint of annoyance.

Jess: “Rage… DOWN!”

Rage immediately lies down, whimpering to himself.

Jess: “Dammit, Rage, you scratched up my pants again! Since when have your nails gotten so long anyway?”

Van Chelsea starts to make a crude comment, then resists the urge. Meanwhile, Jess returns her attention to the hunter.

Jess: “Our history goes a long way back. Many generations ago, my ancestor Elena Alexia was a great vampire hunter. She found great success searching and destroying the creatures of the undead with her husband, my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather. However, their fall was the successful hunting of slob’s three brides. When they killed the vampiresses, slob swore vengeance on my entire family, and vowed to hunt each of us down.”

Jess pauses to stomach a painful memory, her face racked with sorrow.

Jess: “He can take on the shape of huge, monstrous creatures. He can bring himself to any place with his mind instantly. In a fight, no one in my family was a match. He could vanish and suddenly reappear behind his victims, killing them before they could react. Worse yet, he changed the most beautiful women of my family, turning them into his kind and controlling them with the sheer power of his mind.”

Another pause, this time in preparation of a revelation Jess thought she’d never tell.

Jess: “My mother is among those. Seven years ago, when I was only ten, he changed her. Now, he controls her. Bids her to do his will, whatever that may be. I have in fact had to fight my very own mother before. And I cannot rescue her. She is too trapped under his spell. Her mind is like haze, cleared only by the star that is his command. I fear I may have to kill my own mother before I may face slob.”

Her voice trails off as tears well up in her eyes. Van Chelsea, sensing her mental anguish, offers his shoulder for her to cry on. Accepting, Jess embraces Van Chelsea, relieving all the emotion she has kept locked up in her for so many years. And though he knows he should be feeling sad and sympathizing with her, he can’t help but smile has he hugs her.

Van Chelsea: “There, there, it’s okay. It’s all right. You have to stay strong. If he could be destroyed, those he has changed would not be under his control. At the very least, your mother would be free.”

Jess: *sobbing* “But she’s still be… a leech!”

Van Chelsea: “Maybe we could find an antidote to change her back…”

Jess: “You think so? That’d be great!”

Van Chelsea: “Um.. yeah. Of course.. uh.. I think so. In fact, I’ve seen it! Slob—sorry, I mean he keeps it in his castle. If we could kill him, we could take the antidote!”

Jess: “Really? You’re not just lying to me are you? You wouldn’t take advantage of a poor, vulnerable, emotionally drained girl like me would you?”

Van Chelsea: “Does this look like the face of a man who would lie to you?”

Jess: …..

Van Chelsea: “Okay, don’t answer that. But I assure you I’m not doing this just to gain your trust and then later abandon you after I’ve gotten what I want from you. You can trust me!” *to himself* “Heheheh… she’s sooooo hot…”

Jess: “Okay…”

Van Chelsea: “Anyway, you should get some rest. We’ll have a long day tomorrow. I’m going to sleep too.”

Jess: “Aren’t you worried about those vampires back in the village? They’re bound to hunt for us!”

Van Chelsea: “Nah, the Danimator will hold them back.”

Flash back to the village. The crowd of vampires is nervously huddled in front of the Danimator. They seem apprehensive about walking past it.

HevyDevil: “C’mon, man, just sneak past it!”

MachChunk: “No way, I’m not going close to that stupid thing!”

Danimator: *robotic Austrian voice* “You have insulted me. You are now BANNED.”

The Danimator points a finger at MachChunk, who suddenly disappears without any warning or flash or effect.



HevyDevil: “Ahh! Um… T-Bird. You wanna go?”

T-Bird: “Yeah. Right.”

Ska-Man: “Um… what about her? Alex is sort of creeping me out.”

He points toward the back of the crowd, where Alex is skipping around, putting a rose necklace around each vampire and jabbering about comments on each.

Alex: *in a really bubbly voice* “La la la la la! Oh, you could definitely use some color! You’re so dark! So mysterious! Have some flowers, dude! Flower power!!!”

yyo: *in an overly serious Keanu Reeves Neo voice* “I don’t do flowers.”

Alex: “Oh hush! You’re no fun! Here, have a rose!”

Alex places two rose buds over yyo’s ears.

Alex: “There! You look absolutely WUNderful!”

yyo: “I don’t think so.”

Alex: “Aw, c’mon! You’ll look great!”

yyo: *same Neo voice* “What if I fail?”

Alex: “Um.. it’s just some flowers.

yyo: “No.”

Alex: “Ah you’re no fun!”

She moves on to the next person, repeating the process.

Ska-Man: “See? She gives me the heebiee jeebies man!”

HevyDevil: “Shut up! Danimator’s a much bigger problem than that!”

Danimator: “I have heard someone say a bad word. You are ba—”

The Danimator starts to raise his hand.

HevyDevil: “No! Um, it was Ska-Man!”

Ska-Man: “What the? But I’ve only said three li—”

He spontaneously disappears as the Danimator points at him. The rest of the vampires remain huddled together nervously, trying to edge by the Danimator to hunt down Van Chelsea but not daring to attract attention. Flash back to campfire scene.

Van Chelsea: “Yeah. I think they’ll be there for a while.”

Jess: “Okay… if you say so. Good night.”

Van Chelsea: “Wet dreams..”

Jess: “What?”

Van Chelsea: “I said SWEET dreams. SWEET.”

Jess: “Okay. Thanks.”

Van Chelsea, Rage, and Jess go to sleep. A few hours later, however, Van Chelsea is awaken by the sounds of a struggle, as well as a girl’s screams. He glances up at the sky, noticing that it’s a full moon.

Jess: “Ahhh!!! No! No! No! Not there! You’re hurting me! Stop drooling! No!”

Van Chelsea leaps to action, grabbing his rapid-fire crossbow and running toward Jess’s tent. Nearing the scene of the struggle, he spots a large, furry wolf-like creature struggling with Jess, tearing at her as it tries to position itself for a killing bite. Wasting no time, Van Chelsea aims his bow.

Van Chelsea: “Eat silver, you monster!!!”

Unleashing a torrent of arrows, Van Chelsea runs after the creature, who turns and bounds away, howling, after being hit. He pursues for a little bit, but the creature is simply too fast. Even wounded, it soon loses our hero.



Van Chelsea returns to the campsite to attend to Jess. As he crouches down to check on her, he can’t help but realize that the creature left a variety of tears at rather revealing places.

Van Chelsea: “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Jess: “No, no, I’m okay. Thank goodness you came in time. That… THING didn’t do anything, but I doubt I could have fought it much longer.”

Van Chelsea: “Yeah, that’s why I came as soon as I can.”

Jess: “Well thank you, I really appreciate it. Oh, and can you stop poking me with your cross bow?”

Van Chelsea: “Um… yeah… cross bow. Sorry about that.”

Suddenly Jess jumps up with a start.

Jess: “Oh no! Where is Rage?”

She runs out to his tent to search for her brother, but there is no trace of the other Alexia. Meanwhile, Van Chelsea walks out slowly and takes the time to stare and admire the view.

Jess: “This is horrible! You don’t think that… that creature… harmed my brother, do you?”

Van Chelsea: “Jess, I’d hate to break it to you, but I think that creature wa—um… yeah. I think he might have killed him.”

Jess: *breaks down* “My only remaining relative! Killed by a werewolf! And I’m sure that creature was sent by slob to hunt us down! Oh, woe is me! Oh, Van Chelsea, hold me!”

Van Chelsea: “Sure…”

Van Chelsea does his best to console the crying teen.

Van Chelsea: “There there, tomorrow, we will go and hunt him down. We will make him pay for all that he has done. There, there, Jess.”

Fade to black.

^2

my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandfather.

That's by far the funniest part of the movie so far.

lmao at the wet dream remark.



I look forward to part VI.

Best part yet. By far.

Hilerious Corky, I love my over serious character!

Out of nowhere, Moonspoon wanders into the clearing, holding G-Rock’s severed head.

Moonspoon: “You know, if you didn’t act like such a total lecherous ass, she might actually like you.”

Van Chelsea: “What the hell? What are you doing here? And what are you doing with Chris’s head???”

Moonspoon: “I found it.”

Van Chelsea’s eyes narrow with doubt.

Van Chelsea: “Where did you find it?”

Moonspoon: “On his neck…”

unmmm...I'm waiting croky.....

where's this 'main character' I was promised?

Really nice stuff Corkscrewed. I love how this is going on longer than Outlaw's, and is more of a full fledged story.

Oh yeah, and the jokes keep getting better and better.

LMFAO @ yyo & Moonspoon.

The Danimator is almost as great as the mighty Adix 3000, which Van Chelsea needs to get another of.

"wet dreams" LOL. Part V was pretty good purely for all of the flirting like that.

ride6