General Chat / Van Chelsea: An NE Movie

Great stuff. My casting was perfect. Your a genius!

[ insert attention-whoring "put me in the next one" post here ]

unmmm...I'm waiting croky.....

where's this 'main character' I was promised?

Can't you see I've been hyping you up for a while? An evil character doesn't have to be present to make his presence felt!

you're the head of the vamps, what more do you want?

Lol. to be honest, I hadn't even read it yet. I just looked through all the lines and didn't see my name.

But now that I've read it, cool.

^The truth comes out!

Corky, we're on a new page, how about a new part?

ride6

Corky, we're on a new page, how about a new part? 

How about you let him write instead of bitching.

Yeah. I don't have everything done. I'm literally writing this stuff on the fly and posting it as soon as I'm done. I need to ponder how exactly to cap off the next part.

Plus I'm at work.

Where do I come into the story? =P


and remember, the line "Berlin, you promicious little whore!" needs to be used, if you read who I'd like to be.

How about you let him write instead of bitching.

your cool, u always get parts. lol out loud. MoonSpoon needs an enema.

Where do I come into the story? =P


and remember, the line "Berlin, you promicious little whore!" needs to be used, if you read who I'd like to be.

I'm working on getting you in. Don't worry, I haven't forgetten about you!

Good to hear

it WILL be interesting having a drag queen in a vampire movie

your cool, u always get parts. lol out loud. MoonSpoon needs an enema.

adix has the sa savvy

PART VI
The setting: A dark, forested path leading away from Erwindale. Van Chelsea and Jess trudge along in the early morning hours. Van Chelsea carries his equipment and strides with a slightly cheerful gait. Jess, however, is a lot more downcast due to the “death” of her brother. Suddenly, Van Chelsea stops.

Van Chelsea: “Oh crap! We need to get another Adix 3000! Hang on right here while I go into that Krispy Kreme to get one.”

Jess: “Huh?”

She stands there confused as Van Chelsea darts in. A few minutes and one bright, zapping flash later, he comes out with a pufferfish and a tray of donuts.

Van Chelsea: “Donut?”

Jess: “No way! Those things make me fat. You wouldn’t want me to be fat, would you?”

Van Chelsea: *dreamily* “Oh, no…”

Jess: “Anyway, I’ve packed my own breakfast. I’m on the low-carb diet, so I’ll be eating this protein square.”

Van Chelsea stares at her like she’s crazy.

Jess: “What? It’s not like it tastes bad! In fact, it doesn’t really taste like anything at all…. Anyway, what’s that?”

Van Chelsea: “It’s the before form of the Adix 3000, which you probably saw back in the tavern.”

Jess: “Really?! WOW! I’ve always wanted one of those! Lemme see it! I want to play!”

Van Chelsea: “I want to play with y—I mean no! It can be very dangerous!”

Undaunted, Jess wrestles away the pufferfish and the accompanying key, practically hugging him before he goes limp from the fact that a hot girl hugged him.

Jess: “Is this how you use it?” *presses key*

Van Chelsea: “Uh duh buh guh…”

Jess activates the Adix 3000, which takes on its weaponized form.

Adix 3000: “I am the Adix 3000. I sense an unfamiliar presence. It must be vanquished.”

Van Chelsea steps in front of Jess to get the Adix’s attention.

Van Chelsea: “No, it’s just Jess!!!”

The Adix 3000 turns and aims its remote control. At the last minute, Van Chelsea ducks the devastating ray, and Jess disappears in a flash of light, dropping the key in the process. Van Chelsing grabs the key, cartwheels to the side, and deactivates the Adix.

Van Chelsea: “Oh no! It zapped lonely, beautiful Jess! I have to bring her back.

He moves to bring her back when a thought strikes him.

Van Chelsea: “Uh oh, last time I brought someone back Metal was raping him from behind. Oh no! That doesn’t mean Jess will be… hmmm… on the other had, that would mean that she’d be wearing no… heh heh huh guh buh duh guh….”

His thoughts degenerate to brutish drivel for the next ninety seconds before he convinces himself that he has to bring her back. Hitting the green button then the yellow button, Van Chelsea watches as a flash of light erupts in front of him. When the blinding glare has toned down, Jess and Metal both appear in front of him, with Metal wearing a bizarre and rather revealing chain mail bikini while hunched over a stool. Meanwhile, Jess is decked out in black, skin tight leather, complete with whip in one hand and riding crop in the other.

Jess: “You’ve been a bad, bad boy haven’t you, Metal?”

Metal: “Yes! Yes!”

Jess: “And you need to be punished!”

With a flick of the crop, she whips Metal on the back, then kicks him down after he rises up in pain.

Jess: “Lick that stool, you pathetic, dirty little man!!!”

Metal feverishly starts licking the stool.

Metal: “Yes madam! I’ve been so naughty!!!”

Van Chelsea: “Whoa, WTF?”

Quickly hitting the Undo button, our hero watches as another flash returns the two back to whatever dimension they’re stuck in. Then as if to make sure he really did see that, he presses the yellow button again. This time, Jessica reappears, dressed in her normal garb, looking innocently confused as to what happened.

Van Chelsea: “Wait a moment, I just saw you in tight, black leather whipping Metal!”

Jess: “Huh? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Let’s go.”

Walking ahead, Jess shows no sign of what had just happened. Van Chelsea shakes himself.

Van Chelsea: “Could that really have been one big hallucination? Geez, VC, you gotta get a grip on yourself. Think with your brain! Not with… the other thing.”

And almost reluctantly, he hurries after Jess.

By what should have been dawn, they have reached the land governed by Slob. Though it is sunrise, only hints of light peak through the suffocating clouds. Most of the land is engulfed in stormy darkness. The castle itself is a beastly thing, rising ominously in the air, warning any who dare trespass to leave.



Jess: “Here we are, Sleeping Slobby’s Castle.”

Van Chelsea: “That’s a rather odd name…”

Jess: “Yeah, apparently he’s a bit of a Disney fan.”

Van Chelsea: “Hmph. I would have thought Universal.”

Jess: “Never mind. Hurry. Though it is day, I doubt He sleeps. He will not be ambushed.”

Van Chelsea: “Yes, but still, while we can, we should move quietly.”

The two hurry to the castle gates, only to find the door locked. A stormy rumble of thunder penetrates the silence. The place appears deserted. The only sign of a sentry is what appears to be a stony fish mounted on the castle door.



Van Chelsea moves to try to open the door when the fish suddenly flutters to life. Flopping around while pinned to the door.

Mounted fish: “Oh who is it that comes here? Who is at the door?
You must answer this question, if you will enter more.”

Jess: “Did that thing just sing to us?”

Mounted fish: “I heard you ask a question. I’ll answer what you asked.
I am a curious creature: the one singing cBass!”

Both Jess and Van Chelsea are slightly creeped out by the spasm-like motions of this creature as it sings and are speechless.

cBass: “I’m asking you a question, for I’m the great cBass.
Identify yourselves now, or else I’ll kick your ass!”

Van Chelsea: “My name is… um… Chelsea.”

Jess: “I’m Jes—Jennifer. Yeah.”

cBass: “I do not recognize those names, and so you can’t come through.
Please leave this place and don’t return or slob will come kill you!”

Van Chelsea: “Oh for crying out loud, I don’t have time for this! Screw quiet!”

Taking out a grenade, he attaches it to the door, right below the bass. Running back a safe distance, Van Chelsea and Jess hid behind a pillar as the bomb explodes, leveling the door and sending stone and wood flying.

Van Chelsea: “C’mon! Let’s do this thing!”

The two rush in through the door weapons drawn in preparation of a fight, but what greets them is beyond even their wildest expectations: an army of vampires and other supernatural creatures forming a wall of resistance gathered in the grand lobby. At the top of a flight of stairs, a dark figure stands, partially covered in shade. To his side is a short, wobbly thing, clinging to the railing.

Slob: “So, the great Van Chelsea has come at last. And the beautiful Jess has come to end her family line.”

Jess: *whispering* “Oh God he’s hot.”

Van Chelsea: “What? I thought you hate him!”

Jess: “I do, but he’s still so sexy and mysterious.”

Van Chelsea: “Dammit.” *turns to Slob* “I come to kill you!!!”

With that, he unleashes a torrent of rapid-fire arrows straight at his heart. Thirty eight arrows penetrate Slob’s chest before our hero stops. Surprisingly, the wall of vampires and creatures has no reaction. Even more surprisingly, Slob seems completely unaffected. He pulls each arrow out of his chest, wincing not even once. Van Chelsea is obviously shocked.

Slob: “Tsk tsk tsk… do you not know that such weak objects cannot harm me? Do you really think I am that weak?”

Van Chelsea is silent, still in shock.

Slob: “You’ve already met some of our kind…”

Our hero comes to his senses and spots Hevy Devil, T-Bird, and SFK amongst those in the army that stands before him.

Van Chelsea: “You! But you were all trapped back at the tavern! How could you have gotten past the Danimator?”

Silence greets his inquiry, as though they cannot speak even if they desire.

Slob: *evil laughter* “You fool, they merely needed to turn around and come here the other way. It’s not as if only one path leads to my abode… well, to those who know the way at least. Unfortunately, now that you are here, I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you. Meanwhile, I’m going to have some fun with my brides. Heh heh hehe!!!”

The master bloodsucker turns and exits through a door to the side. Twelve female vampires, amazingly beautiful and bearing striking resemblances to Jess, follow him, gliding up the stairs and into the room beyond as well. Meanwhile, the rest of the vampires, as if freed from some spell, begin advancing.

Van Chelsea: “Till death do us part, eh Jess?”

Jess: “I don’t know what you mean by that, but I think it’s time to fight.”

Quickly, Van Chelsea unleashes a barrage of spinning disks, clearing a bloody path in front of him. A couple of grenades later, a good portion of the horde has been wiped out, but compared to the total number, the attacks hardly make a dent.

Van Chelsea: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Reaching into his bag, he takes out three pufferfish and throws two of them into different parts of the crowd. Setting the third one down in front of him, he quickly activates the Adix 3000s to help in his cause.

Jess: “Where’d you get so many???”

Van Chelsea: “I have connections.”

And then all hell breaks loose. The vampires rush toward Jess and Van Chelsea, who fight back with fury unmatched. Other leeches move to disable the Adix 3000s, but they seem to hold up relatively well, zapping dozens without taking a hit. At one point, Jess finds herself face to face with Bouncing Betty.

Betty: “Oh dearie, if it isn’t Jess! I’m going to ride you like the naughty bitch you are!!!”

Van Chelsea: “HEY! NOBODY rides her except ME!!!”

An expert throw with a dagger and Betty is rendered headless.

Jess: “I could have taken care of her myself!”

Jess hurls an axe at Van Chelsea’s head, missing only by inches. He turns around to see the blade sticking out of the head of T-Bird, who had tried to sneak up behind him.

T-Bird: “Oh… and I never got to say good-bye to my hoes!”

He crumples to the ground, smoldering from the silver blade.

Van Chelsea: “Thanks.”

The chaos and pandemonium continue, but in the distance, a low rumble is heard. Suddenly, the side of one wall disintegrates, falling stones crushing several vampires and trolls, and a giant, eight-armed creature emerges.

Creature: “The Black Widow has ceased. Prepare for ass-kickin’ time!”

With one lurch of a tentacle, it takes out an Adix 3000 before the machine can react.

Van Chelsea: “Oh shit!”

Diving to his left, he hurls a bomb at the Black Widow, who bats it out of the way, towards the second Adix 3000, blowing it up in the process.

Black Widow: “The Black Widow has ceased. Prepare to die!”

He moves to attack Van Chelsea, but our hero has the advantage of agility and speed. Running at the creature, Van Chelsea unleashes a storm of bullets at the Black Widow, but they seem to have little effect.

Jess: “CUT OFF ITS ARMS!! IT’LL BE DEFENSELESS THEN!”

Heeding the advice, Van Chelsea draws his long sword and slices one tentacle reach toward his head. Another swipe takes out a limb reaching to attack, and two more disable Black Widow’s pincers. Howling in pain, the creature nevertheless advances, intent on exacting revenge. Meanwhile, Jess finds herself in a dangerous blade battle with none other than Hevy Devil.

Hevy Devil: “I’ll teach you to listen to me! You’ll be my woman when I’m done with you!”

Jess: “Sure. Get in line behind the other men who want me.”

A heavy kick to the crotch sends Devil to the floor.

Hevy Devil: “No!!! Now how can I please my women?”

Jess is about to finish him off when someone taps her on the shoulder.

Ride6: “Hey, what’s going on? Is this like a battle or something?”

Jess: “You fool! Get out of here, you stupid kid!”

But too late, a vampire sinks its fangs into the boy’s exposed neck. Turning this into an advantage, however, Jess impales the vampire, then turns to administer the killing blow to Hevy Devil, only to find that he has disappeared.

Jess: “Dammit!”

Meanwhile, the Black Widow attacks Van Chelsea with reckless abandon. Though it is careless, the flurry of blows leaves no opening. Instead, Van Chelsea leads it toward a crack in the wall. At the last moment, he leaps out of the way to avoid all four limbs rushing toward him in a finishing blow. Luckily, they miss, lodging themselves in the crack. Seizing his opportunity, Van Chelsea brings his blade down across all four, severing them. The Black Widow collapses.

Black Widow: “The Black Widow has ceased. Operation shutting down.”

Van Chelsea: “Stop saying that!”

He rushes back toward the heat of battle. Meanwhile, the remaining Adix 3000 has been doing pretty well. By now, over half of the original horde of vampires has been zapped to oblivion. Many of the remaining are weak and are no match for the combined might of Jess and Van Chelsea, who work as a fluid unit to continue to take down vampires. However, a few put up more than just an okay fight.

Hevy Devil: “Die you stupid hunter! And want me, you stupid but incredibly hot wench!”

Jess: “No! Take that!”

Hevy Devil: “Ow! My nose!”

Suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, a limber ninja flips through the air, landing and letting out a high pitched battle shriek before hopping again.

Ninja: “GULJAM!!!”

Following a random path, he flips and cartwheels his way slowly toward the lone, remaining Adix 3000.

Van Chelsea: “Jess! He’s heading toward the Adix!!!”

Jess: “I got him!”

She fires a string of bullets at the agile ninja, but he moves too quickly. Instead, her shots sometimes bounce off walls, and other times hit unintended but still welcome leeches.

Guljam: “GULJAM!”

Meanwhile, the Adix 3000 has also shifted its attention toward this attacker, allowing some of the vamps to creep closer and attack the machine, though to little avail, as their blows do only little damage. The Adix, however, is not quick enough either, and within no time, Guljam is upon him. Like a fury, or perhaps Xena, Warrior Princess, Guljam screams out one final cry before delivering the final blow.

Guljam: “GULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLJAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!”

Just as his blade meets the head of the Adix, however, one final zap catches him. The resulting collision and reaction produce an incredible, blinding flash, and when all has cleared, both the Adix and Guljam, as well as about ten nearby vampires that were attacking the Adix have vanished.

Jess: “The Adix took out that Guljam! And ten leeches to boot!”

Van Chelsea: “Yeah, but the Guljam took out the Adix.”

Jess: “Why so sad? We can get another one!”

Van Chelsea: “No, that was the last one.”

Jess: “Shit.”

The duo continues fighting. However, perhaps due to exhaustion, a brief lapse in concentration results in the vampires taking the upper hand, as Van Chelsea is taken down by a troll while Jess is ambushed by none other than Hevy Devil, who breaths heavily on her neck. It seems like the end for our heroes when…

Voice: “Stand BACK! There’s a Turtleman coming through!!!”

As superhero music hits, out of nowhere, a masked but rather large man appears, striking a quick pose.



Quickly leaping down, he begins cleaning house on all the distracted vampires, allowing Jess and Van Chelsea to escape at the same time. Van Chelsea makes quick work of the troll, but Jess has a slightly more difficult time with Devil. She parries a couple of blows before feigning to the left, then swiping her blade downward.

Hevy Devil: “UGH!!!” *looks down* “You… you didn’t!!!”

Jess: “This is what happens when you think with your other organ and not your brain, BITCH.”

Hevy Devil spills away, clutching between his legs. Meanwhile, Turtleman is a house of fire, flinging translucent blobs of goo at the vampires, rendering them harmless and allowing Jess and Van Chelsea to eliminate even more leeches.

Turtleman: “And don’t you EVER call me fat again!!!” *hurls goo*

SFK Style: “Ill!!! What the hell is this, your cellulite??”

Turtleman: “They’re called Turtleblobs! NOW DIE!!!!”

The fight spilling outside the gates and onto the bridge,, Turtleman grabs a pike and impales Tom Wombat, doing him in, but as the Six Flags King falls, he reaches towards Turtleman’s cape.

SFK Style: “If I’m going down, you’re coming with me!!!”

With a snare, he pulls the superhero down, and the two tumble down into the deep chasm below, still fighting punching each other all the way.

Van Chelsea: “At this point, I think we should make our retreat.”

Jess: “But Slob! We haven’t killed him yet, and my mother is still with him!!!”

Van Chelsea: “Another time! We’ve laid waste to his army. Next time, he won’t be as heavily guarded. Plus, the longer we stay, the more tired we become, and I doubt these guys are just going to give up.”

Reluctantly, Jess allows Van Chelsea to lead her away. Masking their escape behind a garlic laced stink bomb to confuse the vampires’ senses, the two quickly make their getaway. Half an hour later, when they are sure their trail has been lost, they finally settle down.

Van Chelsea: “Look, our mission did not fulfill the ultimate goal, but it did eliminate a good portion of the enemy, so we were still productive.”

Jess: “Yes, but Slob won’t take this loss well. I’m sure he’ll be incredibly pissed off when he finds out his forces were routed. We have a long battle ahead, and now that he’s angry, he’s going to hunt us.”

Van Chelsea: “Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

He gazes upon her almost lovingly, then suddenly spots a wound on her neck.

Van Chelsea: “Oh no! Jess, you have two puncture holes in your neck! You’ve been bitten!”

Jess: “Huh? Oh these? Oh, they’re nothing. A vampire, um, attacked me with a really big shrimp fork.”

Van Chelsea: “Really? That’s kind of strange.”

Jess: “Really. Don’t worry, I’ll be all right. Just get some rest. We can’t stay here for long.”

Van Chelsea: “Yeah, okay. You sure you’ll be okay? I can treat your wounds. Maybe give you a… special massage?”

Jess: *rolling her eyes* “I’ll be fine, Van Chelsea.”

Van Chelsea: *turning back and talking to himself* “Well, it was worth a shot.”

Fade to black.

Thanks for making me look like a total airhead. That isn't quite what I meny by "not in the loop". Unfortunently there are no more Adix 3000s, I'm gone and Turtleman, dispite the excellent use of "turtleblobs" appears to be falling to his doom. And our lady Jess is about to go Vamp, methinks.

Best part to far, great humor and some decent action. I have this great image in my head of how this could've gone down. Cool stuff man.

ride6

Lmfao.

Best part so far. Jess as a dominatrix, cBass as the singing fish (I have one of those), ride6's comment:

“Hey, what’s going on? Is this like a battle or something?”

And of course, Me! I died though..

Thanks for making me look like a total airhead.

I think that may have been the point. But don't tell anyone.

funny

Dammit, reply!!!!