General Chat / Van Chelsea: An NE Movie

The fights are so authentic I can hear the pulse pounding techno soundtrack in my head. The chemistry between Van Chelsea and Jess sizzles with sexual tension. The plot has more unexpected twists and turns than a Blitz-Sama coaster. The weapons are more high tech than a bushel of James Bond sequels. And the villain makes Darth Vader look like Mary Poppins on Valium. This movie will leave you screaming for mommie like a 4 year old on his first day of preschool. I'd say you've got a hit on your hands.

We only come out at night.

Buahahaha!! That's awesome, Ed. Thanks! :scarface:


This thing is starting to wrap up. Next part comes when I finish the Photoshops.

PART VII
The setting: the dark woods, a few miles away from Sleeping Slobby’s Castle. After a brief rest, Jess and Van Chelsea try to gather themselves.

Jess: “What do we do now?”

Van Chelsea: “Well, we did kill a horde of dark creatures. Frankly, I don’t think I’ve ever destroyed so many vampires in one battle!”

Jess: “To be fair, the Adix 3000 did most of the work…”

Van Chelsea: “But I’m the one who got it.”

Jess: “You told me a friend gave it to you…”

Van Chelsea: “Shaddup…”

There is a pause as Van Chelsea sulks for a little bit.

Jess: “Look, it’s obvious we cannot defeat him by ourselves. We need more help. Somehow, we need more manpower!”

Van Chelsea: “And where do you suppose we look for it? I’m sure Erwindale is just full of volunteers eager to risk life and limb to vanquish beings far more powerful than they.”

Jess: “No need to be sarcastic, jerk.”

Van Chelsea: “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, there is a low rumble from the distance, almost a stomp, but very deep in pitch.

Van Chelsea: “What was that?”

A gleam of fear strikes Jess’s face as another earth shaking rumble strikes, turning the scene eerily like the T-Rex approach in Jurassic Park.

Jess: “Oh no.”

Her eyes point to the direction of the disturbance, and Van Chelsea follows her gaze. In the distance, near the border between the forest and Sleeping Slobby’s Castle is an enormous shape.

Van Chelsea: “It’s…. it’s a giant…. teddy bear???”

Jess: “Not just any gigantic teddy bear, this is Slob’s ultimate form.”

Van Chelsea: “But… he’s just a teddy bear! What’s he gonna do, snuggle us to death?”

Jess: “No. He can crush even the hardest objects with his paws, and he shoots high energy beams from his eyes.”

Van Chelsea: “You mean like a…” *fingers doing the quote sign* “…laser?”

Jess: “Yes. And his fangs are bigger than any dragon. Furthermore, he can breathe fire.”

Van Chelsea: “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

Jess: “I do not lie. Look as he flattens those trees! He is irate over his loss!”

Van Chelsea: “Heh heh… yeah, we knocked him good…”

The two watch as Slob knocks over acres of dense wooded forest with the ease of Paul Bunyan. In his rage, he rains a shower of flames onto the dry, dead wood, setting off a forest fire.



Van Chelsea: “Geez, it’s like Godzilla in a bear costume!”

Slob gives off a terrifyingly high-pitched shrill, resonating through the air and forcing the both of them to cover their own ears, even though they are far away.

Van Chelsea: “He even SOUNDS like him!”

Suddenly, another shriek, this one much more human, lashes out overhead. The two glance up.



Jess: “It is his brides! He has sent them to hunt for us! We must go!”

Van Chelsea: “You mean like your ancestors? Wow. They’re pretty hot. And… they appear to be… not wearing any clothes! Hold on, I need to get a closer look.”

Jess: “Not… the… time!”

She grabs him by the ear and drags him away.

Van Chelsea: “Ow ow ow! I just wanted to get an idea of what you’d look like if you were naked!”

She tightens her grip.

Van Chelsea: “OWWWW!!! Hey, I hear from those!!!”

The two make their way deeper into the forest, but the dense covering is not necessarily a guarantee of safety.

Jess: “We must find something more secluded to hide in until they go away! We need a hole, or maybe a cave!”

Wonder of wonders, within a few steps, they actually encounter a cave! Wasting no time, they hurry into the blinding darkness, taking their chances with whatever is inside rather than face Slob’s brides in their weakened state.

Jess: “Whew! That was close!”

Van Chelsea: *rubbing his ear* “That hurt.”

Jess: “Well, if you weren’t such a horn—”

Voice: “Who… disturbs… my… slumber…?”

Jess and Van Chelsea turn around to face the inquirer in the darkness.

Jess: “We… we were running from danger outside. We sought safety in this shelter.”

Voice: “This… is… my… domain… Intruders… are… not… welcome…”

Van Chelsea: “We mean you no harm, ma’am. Or sir. Or Ma’am? I’m sorry… I can’t really tell.”

Voice: “Minni… give… us… light…!”

Minni: “By the blessings of libertarians! Finally!”

Suddenly, the electronic glow of a laptop computer illuminates the cavern. Before a surprised Jess and Van Chelsea sits a trim young man dressed in an evening gown, wearing a feathered boa, and heavily decorated in make-up that makes Mimi Bobeck look conservative.



To her side is a young high school man, dressed smartly in a dress shirt, suspenders, and slacks and wearing glasses and a pocket protector.

Minni: “Oh my gosh! You have to check this site out! It shows John Kerry… with the body of a donkey! Hahahahahaa!!!”

Van Chelsea: “O…K… Anyway, dear sir… or madam… I still can’t tell so I’ll just say ‘hey you,’ we beg that you grant us refuge momentarily. One night’s rest is all we ask, for we come fleeing from Sleeping Slobby’s Castle.”

Drag Queen: “Fleeing…? You… then… were also… persecuted… by Him?”

Van Chelsea: “Persecuted? Oh no, we were just in a battle. Wiped out like 80% of his forces too, but we were outnumbered, and we retreated as we began to tire so as to fight another battle another day.”

Drag Queen: “So… you are… enemies… of… Slob? And you… really… killed… so many… vampires?”

Jess: “Uh huh.”

Drag Queen: “Haha! Victory! Any enemy of that vile Slob is a friend of Berlin ‘Martha’ Edwards! Come! Come and join me and my friend Minni for a drink!”

Minni: “Hey. Oh look! Check this out! It’s a news article about a man with two penises!!!”

Martha: “Nevermind him. He’s a fucking faggot.”

Minni: “Speak for yourself.”

Martha: “Touche. Anyway, come, come and tell me your story. In return, I will tell you mine and grant you hospitality!”

Assured by the sudden cheerfulness, our weary heroes take a seat in front of a small campfire Berlin starts and tell them their story. Van Chelsea starts from his encounter in Erwindale, and Jess fills in bits in pieces. Berlin, however, seems to revel most in the battle, and he asks his guests to recount how each vampire is fallen over and over again.

Martha: “Hahaha! Hevy Devil castrated? That’s exactly what he deserves! And an ax to the head of T-Bird? That’s SPLENDID! Hahahahaha!!!”

Van Chelsea: “…and so, here we are, seeking solace in this cave.”

Jess: “And you, Martha, what is your story?”

Berlin gathers himself in preparation.

Martha: “Well, my story is a tragic one. Though you may not know it, queens are blessed with an extensively long life. I have lived many centuries, driven to self exile by the evil Slob. It wasn’t always like this, of course. There was a time when another ruled the land. Though ignorant and blundering, he did not possess the malevolence that grips the countryside today.”

Minni: “Yeah, King George had little command of the language and often provoked wars with weaker neighboring nations, but he was not an evil person by nature, just incredibly stupid.”

Martha: “This is true. However, one day, Slob usurped leadership. He killed George with a pretzel and claimed rule to all the lands. Immediately, he issued a decree declaring that queens were banned. He sent squads to hunt and destroy all queens. Many were indeed murdered during this purge, and others chose to betray their people and join Slob, but a few escaped. I am one of them, and you may have heard of the great Meretrix, who lives by the bay.”

Jess & Van Chelsea: “Uh huh…”

Martha: “He also fled. We queens live in self-imposed isolation, now, hoping for a day when slob is slain and we may return to our native land. For what he has taken away from us, we hate Slob with a passion, but we dare not stand up against him. As powerful as we are, we are no match for the might of his army, and he himself possesses incredible powers beyond even our own flower power. We can only wait.”

Van Chelsea: *somberly* “I see. And what about Minni here? How did he come to join you?”

Martha: “Well, he stumbled upon this cave much as you did. I took pity on him and let him stay. He amuses himself by surfing random websites all day. In return for the electricity I provide with my magic, he does household chores and occasionally licks the ground when it amuses me.”

Jess: “He’ll do that?”

Martha: “Sure! Minni! Lick the ground!”

Minni: “Okay, but I found this great site that shows you the best licking techniques. It might be useful!”

Martha: “But you suck—I mean… lick the floor!”

Jess and Van Chelsea watch, chuckling, as Minni proceeds to lick the ground.

Minni: “Laugh all you want, but there is some highly nutritional lichen on here! I learned all about it from www.lichenworldforeveryone.com!”

Jess and Van Chelsea both stare at Minni blankly.

Minni: “Did you know that you can operate a fully functioning and highly efficient motor using just lichen? Something like a lichen motor would revolutionize the world!!!”

Van Chelsea: “I’m sorry, you lost me after ‘lichen.’”

Minni: *grumbling to himself* “Nobody understands my genius! They just think I’m some sort of right-wing freak!”

Martha: “Um… just ignore him and pretend he was never here.”

Van Chelsea: “Okay. Anyway, I suppose we should rest a bit. We aim to strike again, but we could use some rest before planning a course of action.”

Martha: “I understand. Perhaps I may help, for I have many books on warfare. Rest well, you two.”

Jess and Van Chelsea set up their sleeping mats and prepare to lie down to sleep. Before their backs touch the ground, however, a brilliant flash of light appears from the laptop. From the side of the computer, a liquid figure appears to seep out of a USB drive. When the figure is completely materialized and the light level has returned to normal, a familiar person stands in front of a startled Jess, Berlin, Minni, and Van Chelsea.



Van Chelsea: “Kumba!!!”

Jess: “Kumba?”

Minni: “Kumbaya, my lord, kumbaya! Kumbaya my lord, kubay—OW!!! Why’d you slap me Martha?”

Martha: “Just shut up.”

Kumba: “WASS!! UP!! HOLMES!!!!! Did yall miss da favorite brotha? Kumba is BACK in da HOWSE, and it’s time ta get a CRACKALACKIN!!!!”

Kumba pauses to wait for imaginary cheers. Van Chelsea, after a moment of being completely shocked, finally musters some strength to speak.

Van Chelsea: “Kumba! You’ve… you’ve returned! But how? You were trapped in that netherworld!”

Kumba: “Yo man, you be disrespectin my abilities, dawg! I’m da technical masta! I deezined da Adix, so you gotsta know I put a failsafe choice, man!”

Van Chelsea: “Well, I never thought I’d say this, but am I glad to see you! But how exactly DID you escape, anyway?”

Kumba: “Well, I didn’t plan on getting raped by Metal, but afta dat was over, I juss tracked you to a place wid a computer. Watcha don’t know is that wid da rite tools, you can watch people in dis world. I just had to wait for a place wid internet, and I juss downloaded myself out to you guys, CRAZAY Hacksta STYLE!”

Van Chelsea: “Okay… I think I got that. What about the other people I zapped? I mean, you probably saw the battle. We zapped like a thousand vampires. Aren’t they going to follow you?”

Kumba: “Nah dawg, they got stuck on some horrible coaster Croky designed. They have to ride it for eternity, and they’re cryin over how horrible it is! Hahahaha!!”

Van Chelsea: “Croky? Who’s that?”

Kumba: “Nevermind. But now dat I’m here, I gotsta tell ya, you can’t win by yourselves, but if we forms a TEAM… we can stand a chance, yo!”

Van Chelsea: “A team, huh? My goodness, you’re actually right! For once, you’ve come up with a great idea! Martha, if you joined us, it would be four against them, and that’s twice as good as two against them!”

Martha: “I would love to exact some revenge on Slob… and on Fabrice Case.”

Van Chelsea: “Who?”

Martha: “He is one of the traitorous queens who turned and join Slob. He is one of Slob’s most useful minions, but I’ll ram a rod into him and rip him a new one by the time I’m done with him…”

Van Chelsea: “Er… great! So it’s set, we’ll attack them as a team!”

Kumba: “That’s tight! We can call the team… DA HURRICANES!!! And I can pull some more recruits from my friend Chris—”

Van Chelsea: “Um…. No. It’s cool. Anyway, the four of us will make a mighty group! We have formed the team! Everybody put your fist in and give it up for the Team!”

Van Chelsea places his fist in the center of the gathered group, and the others follow suit.

Jess: “Team!”

Kumba: “Team!”

Martha: “Team!”

Minni: “Team?”

Everyone turns to look at the unwelcome intruder.

Van Chelsea: “Ahem.”

Minni: “Aw, I never get to do anything cool!”

Van Chelsea: “Oh, go back to surfing on your stupid little links!”

Minni: *sullenly* “I went to a site that had monkeys making love to pitbulls and it gave me a virus. My computer’s crashed! But the war is begun?”

Kumba: “Yo, man, GIT da hell outta here before I BEAT yo punkass wid my aluminum knuckles from Wallgreens!!!”

Minni: *bashfully* “Okay.”

Van Chelsea: “All right. We rest now; tonight we plan; tomorrow we strike. We are… the Fellowship Against The Slob!”

Triumphant music plays as the camera pans up over the quartet, with Minni huddled up by himself in the corner. Fade to black.

As usual, I'm the first to reply to Corky's updates. Either I have good timing or I'm on here way too much.

Anyway, for the last time, Slob's icon is not a teddy bear! It is the Big Friend! As seen here:


Also here:

Psst! What's his member title?

Psst!  What's his member title?

Well, that's your own crafty work, Captain Membertitle, with your administrating member title powers.

Actually, I wasn't the one who gave him that title.

It's more of a brown chinchilla

Corky, you're losing it.

That part was boring, after last part this is the portion of the movie where you make out with your girlfriend because if you don't you'll fall asleep. But aleast there was some nice comidy in it. "let me call me homey chris to..."

Lol.

Still I think that was the weakest so far.

ride6

not bad, though i thought i was supposed to be evil..

Have I showed up yet in this thing?

I haven't really been reading them, I'm just waiting for my part, lol.

Hilarious... just hilarious. My favorite line would have to be:

Minni: *sullenly* “I went to a site that had monkeys making love to pitbulls and it gave me a virus. My computer’s crashed! But the war is begun?”

Classic.

Corky, you're losing it. 

That part was boring, after last part this is the portion of the movie where you make out with your girlfriend because if you don't you'll fall asleep.  But aleast there was some nice comidy in it.  "let me call me homey chris to..."

Lol.

Still I think that was the weakest so far.

ride6

You need to realize that after an intense point... a near climactic point for that matter... you need a moment to let the audience catch their breath. You usually can't grind them over and over and overe again. This was purposely designed to set things up for the final showdown, so the humor was toned down, as was the plot.

It felt nice to write something that was actually shorter than the last part for once.


Minni, I couldn't work that out, so sorry.


P.S. Steve, check Part IV.

Corky, you're losing it. 

That part was boring, after last part this is the portion of the movie where you make out with your girlfriend because if you don't you'll fall asleep.  But aleast there was some nice comidy in it.  "let me call me homey chris to..."

Lol.

Still I think that was the weakest so far.

ride6

You need to realize that after an intense point... a near climactic point for that matter... you need a moment to let the audience catch their breath. You usually can't grind them over and over and overe again. This was purposely designed to set things up for the final showdown, so the humor was toned down, as was the plot.

It felt nice to write something that was actually shorter than the last part for once.


Minni, I couldn't work that out, so sorry.


P.S. Steve, check Part IV.

its cool.

You didn't use my idea for mini. You crockpot.

MY CHARACTER IS KICK-ASS.


awesome, corky.


the whole Queens story was great, and the picture that went along with the meeting of the drag queen had me laughing out loud.

I'm thinking you eventually take on Gandalf characteristics. I'm toying with the idea anyway.

I'm thinking you eventually take on Gandalf characteristics.  I'm toying with the idea anyway.

Gandalf qualities wouldn't be bad, so long as you keep me humourous and fabulous as I am in this part

You didn't use my idea for mini. You crockpot.

and what was that?

btw cork i gots a great idea, have me turn in the team to slob, in exchange for internet linking vampness.

That way chelsea can escape, and have a huge epic battle scene faceoff.

Hilarious stuff you got here Croky. Keep it up. :scarface:
And yes, Kumba's character us hilarious.